I'm Speechless Because He Was...

TOOTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me backtrack for a moment.

I know some of you think that sometimes I exaggerate my posts for entertainment value, but honest to god- I don't. Even I'm not that good- I CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Now back to the show:

I ventured out on my first post-Hoover date, over the trauma of having to OD on cover up because of all the hickeys on my neck (oh did I not mention the hickeys? Yeah, I don't call him Hoover for nothing...I was SOOOO SALTY!), and ready to begin anew. Enter Q. from S.I., a tall, nice, handsome and funny guy who's job eludes me because he won't just come out and tell me what he does. But that's alright. Maybe he works in a basement and is embarassed...I've been there so I understand.

The New York Film Academy was kind enough to offer me two passes to a screening of a new movie due out on Friday, and I saw it as the perfect opportunity to go out with him. And here's where I admit that I met him via match.com (Damn you Cathi for recommending it!!!). We'd only spoken on the phone and online, so I had NO IDEA what was waiting for me on the corner of East 17th and Park Ave South. And here's where you all forget that I wrote that and never bring it up again because I have already learned my lesson and cancelled my account.

"What was waiting for you, Raquel," you ask?

A tall, nice, handsome and funny guy who's job eludes me because he won't just come out and tell me what he does...WHO'S MISSING A TOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right there, on the right side of his face, in between his front tooth and his canine tooth, a hole so prevelant I can't believe that he actually left his house to go on a date and SMILED at me when I showed up. Just SMILED like nothing was wrong. Like I couldn't drive a Mack truck through his mouth, like I couldn't see his tonsils through his smile, LIKE HE WASN'T MISSING A FUCKING TOOTH!!!!!!!

I give up, people. That's it! I strongly believe in the theory of "Three time's the charm." It's why I stopped at two kids when I realized that my 2nd darling was 100% evil. It's why I only saw American Pie 1 & 2. The number three is unlucky. I can't go out on another date- I just can't. The next guy...he might have six toes or have ex-girlfriends in his basement or worse- a short Mexican from Sunset Park! I won't do it. You can't make me.

I mean GODDAMMIT!!!! Is it too much to ask that a tall, nice, handsome and funny guy who's job eludes me because he won't just come out and tell me what he does...HAVE ALL HIS FUCKING TEETH????????

*smooches...with ALL my teeth...*
----------------------
but underneath
there's another expression
that the makeup isn't making
life under the big top
it's about freedom
it's about faking
there's an art to the laughter
there's a science
and there's alot of love
and compliance
welcome to the freakshow
here we go...