Asshole VP: Listen, this report you submitted was just, sub-par. I thought you went to college; what is this dangling participle here, and this sentence over here that ends in a preposition...what the fuck?
You: Um...sorry? I'll, um, do better next time?
Asshole VP: Next time? Next time I'll just get a NYU intern to do the work! This report isn't worth the fucking paper it's printed on! [storms off]
You: [under your breath] Don't you mean, "on which it's printed?" Asshole!
Or this?
Bitchy Ex-Wife: Last week I sent Muffy over here with a red shirt, a blue shirt, a pair of light faded jeans and some tan corduroys, plus two pairs of white socks and a pair of blue socks. When she came home she was missing one of the pairs of white socks.
Shocked Ex-Husband: What?
Bitchy Ex-Wife: Listen, if you can't even keep track of a pair of socks I don't know how you expect me to trust you with Muffy.
Shocked Ex-Husband: What?
Bitchy Ex-Wife: That's it- I'm calling my lawyer!
Shocked Ex-Husband: WHAT?
Do you have a problem confronting the people in your life, whether at work or at home? Are you constantly used as a doormat by your older siblings? As a fall guy by your co-workers? As a sounding board by that BITCH-ASS-TRICK at the DMV?
Well try The Interpretive Dance Method (patent pending)- my new technique for handling any and all stress-inducing conflicts and confrontations that may come your way. The Interpretive Dance Method teaches you the moves and positions essential to let your aggressor know exactly how you feel, without resorting to raising your voice or dropping the F-bomb.
It works like this- say the Asshole VP comes into your office, mouthing off expletives and belittling the contributions you make at work-- don't haul off and punch him in the face. Instead try pose #00214:
This move will get your point across, shut him up and baffle passersby...no one will ever yell at you in your office again.
Lets look at the Ex-Wife Scenario again:
Bitchy Ex-Wife: Last week I sent Muffy over here with a red shirt, a blue shirt, a pair of light faded jeans and some tan corduroys, plus two pairs of white socks and a pair of blue socks. When she came home she was missing one of the pairs of white socks.
Instead of letting the disbelief of her ludicrous statement render you mute, try this Interpretive Dance move that involves a half turn:
stretch: 
reach back:
and tush tap:
Your Ex-Wife will know, in no uncertain terms, that her petty concerns for a generic pair of white socks have been considered and dealt with accordingly. She might still call her lawyer, but she'll never bother you regarding alleged wardrobe malfunctions ever again.
These conflict resolution methods have been tested and proven effective in homes and offices all over the country. Shannon Doherty uses them at all BH 90210 reunion gatherings:
and Lindsay Lohan was filmed perfecting The Method for paparazzi not too long ago: http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?pmmsid=1723402
And now they can be yours!
What are you waiting for?
For just $5.99, plus S&H, I will teach you how to dance your way to conflict resolution. Call toll free now!!!
1-800-YOU-SUCK
1-800-968-7825
If you act within five minutes of reading this blog, we'll send you this free Football Phone...so you can clock that BITCH-ASS-TRICK at the DMV over the head with it!!
*smooches...interpretive dancing all up and down the F-train car*
-----------------
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
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