Top 10 Reasons Why It's Hard to be My Friend

10. I secretly hate you. Sure, to your face I'm all smiles and sunshine, but behind your back I'm plotting...

9. Once you stop being an asset, I'll drop you like a hot potato.

8. I know that you don't believe in my mission to meet and marry John Cusack, and I'll never forgive you for it.

7. I'm always broke. How can we enjoy life if my pockets hold nothing but lint?

6. I have daddy issues. No matter how nice your boyfriend is, I will always seek out his flaw, point it out to you and give him the side-eye whenever we all hang out together

5. I'm moody; I can go off at any moment and my wrath is fierce and far-reaching

4. Kids. I have them. They eat up my money and my time. They are a definite buzz kill.

3. I'll never tell you if you look fat in your jeans. That way I'll always be prettier.

2. I have a big mouth. You secrets? Not so secret if you tell me...

And the number one reason why it's hard to be my friend is:

1. No matter what your moral dilemma- if you come to me for advice, I will always lead you down the path of debauchery and eternal damnation. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

*smooches...with sunshine and side-eyes*
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it's a story as common as a penny, son
it ain't really worth anything to anyone
poor little sore little song
that aches like a muscle each time that it moves
sad little song that you play
and you play and you play
and you play 'til you lose