Letters I'll Never Send, V. 1

Dear XXX,

I'm not really even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe because I dwell on shit too much, unable to forgive or forget or let things go, even when I know that what went down between us was for the best, and I'm not looking to be in a long-term relationship with you (or anyone) anymore.

But I liked being the center of your world, the most important person in your life. Okay, maybe that's a bit much, a tad dramatic, but you know what I mean. You'd drop whatever and turn your whole schedule upside down to accommodate mine. Anything I wanted, needed- there you were with it. I got a little spoiled. I warned you not to do that, not to let me get comfortable, not to be so damn nice to me.

Did I ever even thank you? I can be so selfish sometimes. I never even said "I Love You" until after it was over and we were just friends. Because it's easy for me to say "I Love You" to a friend; that's old hat, second nature. But to say it to someone I'm dating? Why would I do that? Why would I let the guy I'm dating know how much he means to me? I'd never give anybody that much ammunition against me...

So our split was right. Justified. I was closed off. You were not ready. We were a hot ghetto mess together.

But sometimes when we talk, hang out, whatever, I can still see what drew me to you. Your piercing eyes...like they're looking right into me. Your energy, so bright and full of life; never a dull moment with you around. The way you still look out for me, genuine goodness and thoughtfulness...what's that about? Why can't you just be a dick so I can hate you?

But alas, you're such a dear. And I'm glad you're still in my life. My id would prefer it if you still had me on that pedestal, and my ego tries hard to re-create that experience for me everyday, but my superego understands that things worked out for the best for everybody involved.

Still, know that in a moment of weakness or drunken abandon (or sobriety...it really doesn't matter; any moment would do), my id would not kick you out of bed. Because on top of everything else, it was that good.

*smooches...hiding my emotions in a blog he'll never read*
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Feels like I'm going in circles
You're like a maze I can't get through
Should I go left should I go right
Should I let you stay for the night
It's like a see-saw when it comes to your love
Boy when you're up this girl is down and I just can't figure it out