It's SO Hard To Find Good Help!

I don't mean to sound like a snob at all, but my nanny situation is driving me to drink! I have been through no less than EIGHT caregivers/afterschool programs for my girls since their father and I split in 2005, and only THREE of those were worth the money! And two of those were programs, not people!!

Basically, I've only had one nanny that was any good, and I lost her to some swanky Manhattan family who offered her a fulltime gig caring for babies PLUS paid vacation. I really couldn't blame her for leaving; my girls LOVED her and I wish her all the best.

But this one we have now... I mean, okay, she's not horrible per se, but when I add up all the little things that annoy me about how she cares for my girls, it equals her not being worth the $15 per hour I hand her every week.

My gripes with her include but are not limited to:

>Her not having a working cell phone. She received a pay-per-use one during the holidays, but never adds money to it. So in an emergency I can't reach her and vice versa (I don't have a landline in my apartment). She actually said that I should install the landline and I'm like WHAT?? I'd NEVER use it- that's why I don't have one.

>I think she stole from me. It wasn't a lot and I've yet to verify it, but the doubt is there like a huge pink elephant in the room.

>She's been late, a lot, to pick up my daughter from school. I really hate getting that call from the school telling me little N is sitting in the office like a red-headed step-child waiting to be picked up! That pisses me off and makes me feel like a bad parent!!!

>She doesn't play with N. My last Nanny took N to the park, played dolls, even helped with homework and crafts. This one sits on the couch reading a book, chatting on MySpace or, as I was just informed by K, SLEEPING!!!! So I'm paying her to SLEEP on MY COUCH?!?! MY COUCH?!?! Hell to the naw...

>She ain't got no SSI or Tax ID number. I just gave her an ultimatum last week- get a tax ID number or I'll be forced to replace you. I'm sorry, but there are two entities I don't fuck with: The Mafia and The Governement, and I'm not about to feel Uncle Sam's wrath because I'm employing an illegal. No thank you!!!

>N doesn't like her. I usually will go with the kids' feelings on this, because if the kids don't like you something is wrong there; it's not a good fit. K is indifferent to the whole thing, but the nanny isn't really there for her anyway, seeing as she's 12. She's mostly there for N and now I'm hearing that she doesn't even really pay her any mind.

Needless to say, but I will say it, I've been looking into alternatives for after school care for K and N. And I hate to do it because I know my nanny has a little son in Trinidad she's trying to care for, but I have two daughters in Brooklyn that I have to provide the best care for. And as bad as I feel for her struggle, because I feel it, I empathize, and am one paycheck away from being in the same boat, I don't feel she's the best care I can provide for them.

*smooches...hating my Gemini indecisiveness and empathetic ways!*
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I never want to be the one to cause a mom to not be able to feed her kid, but what are my choices here?

And did I also mention that my housekeeper is M.I.A.?? Can I please catch a freakin' break here??