The Best...

...threats to keep your kids in line.

A lot of you don't have kids. One or two of you have very young kids. Heck, some might even have some grown ass kids. Trust when I say that no matter the age of your kids, you *always* have the ability to put the fear of god in them.

And if you are child-less... I hate you! (just kidding... but not really...)
A few things you should note before using my tips, however:

1. It's best to start early. It might be too late for some as your kids may be older and set in their bad-ass ways, but the fact is the only way to keep kids in line is to show them who's boss from day one.

2. I only have about 24 years of experience dealing with kids, so I'm not an expert expert, but I've never had a kid act a fool at the Wal-Mart, so you might want to pay attention.

3. It helps to be a little crazy (or in my case, a lot) and have your kid(s) know this to be true

4. Be prepared to follow through and stick to your guns; kids can smell fear and like to see what they can get away with on a daily basis.

And now, the threats...

>>For when they're making a ruckus and you ain't tryn' to hear it-

"If you don't cut out that noise, I'm gonna cut out your tongue and feed it to you!"

>>For when they're fighting over some random ish-

"Fight it out; whoever is left standing can have [insert what they were fighting for] and seconds at dinner."

>>For when they question your authority-

"You musta forgot who you're dealing with..." [note: this threat needs to be followed by the grabbing of the belt, slipper, switch, etc]

OR my personal favorite, "If you don't like it, get the f*ck out! Peace!" [and put up the peace sign as you leave the room]

>>For when they don't want to get their hair combed (can work for both sexes)-

"No? Really? Well then let's just shave it off!" [and reach for the scissors/clippers]

>>For blatant disregard of the rules and/or all-out tantrums-

"You might want to start calling 9-1-1 now..." [as you go medieval on that ass...]

After a few episodes, your kid(s) will catch on and start acting right, you'll see. Otherwise, just call me... I'll straighten them out...

*smooches...proud mother of two kids who know better and act as such*
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I should really teach a class on discipline...I'm at the point where I hardly need these threats anymore- one look from "crazy mommy" is all they need to cut out the bullsh*t.