...And The Chemistry Just Isn't There...

I have this old Yahoo account that I hardly ever check but never took the time to delete. On Monday I logged on, found three-trillion messages (all SPAM!) and some IMs from dudes with whom I used to chat. Nothing too scandalous, at least not on my part; these dudes would send me naughty messages and I'd always turn it into something innocuous, and seeing as I'm so freakin' charming they wouldn't get mad and actually have "normal conversations" with me.

Not to say that I didn't participate in the naughtiness from time to time, but I'm moody- catch me at the wrong time and I won't really care how nice your penis looks in your default pic... if I ain't in the mood I just AIN'T in the mood, OK? But I digress... (that was for you, Minnie)

ANYways... one such dude, who first contacted me with the very charming opening line of, "Want to watch me jerk off on my cam?" way back when, saw me online and was like- "Long time... where have you been?" We chatted for a bit, and it reminded me that despite all his crazy, exhibitionist perversions, he was a funny guy, and he was providing some much needed comedy relief as I tried to get through my taxes.

He was trying to convince me that we should meet in person, and I'm all like: "dude I'm soooo over that..." as if I have anything else going on... But then he started in with the, "Can I send you something?" And I'm like: "Is it naughty?" And he's like: "No, is that okay?" So I'm like: "Sure, go for it" and it's a picture of him. Him and his blond, blue-eyed self.

[insert the "WAH WAH WAH" music here]

He was not ugly; I'll give him that, but I've never been attracted to blonde guys. Ever. White dudes that have caught my eye look like Mark Wahlberg (...feel the vibration!), or that sexy Croatian doc from "ER"- dark hair with blue eyes can be very, very, very sexy (if there are no brothas around) and I can get on board with that 100%. Uncle Jesse from "Full House" was a definite Hottie McHottie. Rob Lowe? I'm all over his pasty ass. But blonde guys??? They just look so pale and bland and blah...

He noticed that I was quiet and writes: "Did I ruin any chance of ever meeting you?" And y'all know I come with it and wrote back, "blondes are just not my thing" And he wrote, god bless his horny little heart, "but it's dark blonde!"

I had to laugh! Then he wrote, "Can we still be friends?" And I know he thinks that being my friend will get him an in, which it won't, but I wrote back, "of course!" cause you know what? He's a bartender, and I make it a point to always know all the "B" people I can... bartenders, busboys, bodyguards, bouncers, etc; they're usually the ones who hook you up right proper!

And yes, I know what you're thinking: "This bitch is so superficial!" Your point being?

*smooches...laughing at my own shallowness*
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but I'm sure he'll be alright; like I said- he ain't a troll, just not what I prefer...

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Title courtesy of New Edition, "You're Not My Kind of Girl"