There Is Someone For Everyone, I Guess...

...because C (my ex-husband to all you newbies) is "probably" getting re-married. I say "probably" like that in quotes because that's how he put it when he told me. "Probably." Just another reminder of how frustrating he can be.

"Probably?" Make up your freaking mind, fool! Ugh, sometimes I could just SHAKE him!

Anywayz, my girl L and I joked about it, already making plans to have her be my "Plus 1" for the ceremony (if I'm invited... WAIT- I'll be invited, right? HE'D BETTER FUCKING INVITE ME!) so we could witness the hilarity of it all and exchange notes and jokes afterwards, but wow. Now it's for real.

So I'm trying to figure out how I feel... because I think I should feel something, right?

There's definitely a lil jealousy- I mean, he found someone before I did; not that there was a competition... because certainly I'm not some uber-competitive crazy nut job who was trying to live happily ever after before him with some random dude I don't even love just to prove a point. No-sir-ee BOB, not me! I'm just sayin'...

And there's some apprehension because I want to make sure that the "probably" soon-to-be second Mrs. C does NOT try to steal or hurt my babies (LORD HELP HER if she does...). Because I am their mother. Their ONLY mother. ME. NUMERO ONLY. No compromise on that there ish.

She will have ZERO say on how things go down with my babies because why? See these here stretch marks (pretend I'm actually bold enough to post a pic of my stretchmarks on this site)? She didn't put in on this, Man, and I'll be damned if she comes along after the fact trying to be Mrs. Mommy Boss Hog. Nah, fuck that. I don't like people playing with my kids!

"Raise up off these N-U-Ts, cause you gets none of these... at ease" BI-OTCH!

...yeah, but otherwise, I can't say that I feel anything, really.

[side note- how funny is it that I bitch and moan about hating motherhood, but the minute it looks like someone's moving in on my territory I'm Super Mom? Who knew it would take C getting remarried for my maternal instincts to kick into OVERKILL? I crack myself up...]

I've never wanted to reconcile with him, so there's no lingering "let's give it another shot" feeling. Maybe I'll be a little weird about calling at random hours of the day and night as I have been doing when I can't remember some odd pop culture reference, because she might feel a little threatened by my youthful exuberance (she's like 47) and timeless good looks. I mean, really, have you SEEN me?? No? Here's a reminder:

Me with dark hair



Me with lighter hair



Either way, I'm the hotness and she knows it. I know she knows it, he knows she knows it and she cries into her pillow every night knowing it.

Here's another reminder for her:



OK, that was straight craziness and hateration, but you know what? Whatever! My ex is getting MARRIED for heaven's sake! I'm not a saint; I'm allowed to be just a teensy bit petty!!

It helps, though, that I will always remember- VIVIDLY- why he's my ex. In case you're new and don't know, click here and here.

I guess I'm happy for him; either that or still in a mild state of shock. I definitely feel less guilty about the way I ended things and really hope he doesn't fuck it up again for the girls' sake. They really could do with not seeing any more divorce in the family.

In the meantime, I'm gonna go out and celebrate the fact that I'm Single and Fabulous, exclamation point, and will resist the urge to go home with some strange piece of beefcake just to boost my ego. Maybe.

*smooches...realizing that green really, truly is just not my color*
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so... who wants to party and help me forget that at the end of the night I'm going home alone??