I was looking over my posts from the last few months and realized that I need to take it down a couple of notches before I start believing my own hype... my head is already too big to wear cool hats, I don't want it so big I can't get into the room!
I'm letting comments and compliments on this blog turn me into some Martin Lawrence-type slapstick comedian, and that's so not cute. What it is, actually, is a recipe for disaster and "cancellation."
So lets everybody take a deep breath and get back to business as usual, okay?
*musical interlude*
Lily Allen - Friend of Mine
(I love it when the British make reggae songs... it's like a guilty pleasure)
Alright (still).
Sooooo, tonight I have my second shrink appointment. Last week when she squeezed me in for the emergency Monday night session, she said she would continue to see me ONLY if I agreed to actually open up about the things that were bothering me, because that's the only way she'd be able to help me get out from under this cloud.
DAMMIT, WOMAN! Can't you see that is the very core of what's wrong with me? Where did you go to school again???? I mean really- what's a girl gotta do around here to get some understanding?!?!
And she's Latina, too, so I know she knows how "we" are. I honestly think if my family knew I was in therapy they'd be whispering about me so loudly that I could hear it from the floor in my bathroom in Greenwood.
Maybe I can spell it out: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN UP! I was always taught to keep house business in the house and to deal with shit on my own because in the end we all die alone (nice thing to tell a kid, right?!) and that crying was for weak little babies.
(Although it taught me how to take care of myself and shield myself from the world and be able to survive.)
And let's not even get into the barrels and barrels of SHAME the Catholic Church has had delivered to my house from 1980 until this very day; I can't seem to shake them fools no matter how many one night stands I have or heart-stopping drugs I take. Because Catholicism is a disease in my soul so advanced that cancer looks at it and gets shook!
But guess who's tired of feeling bad?
Of just surviving?
Guess who's tired cracking jokes all the live long day like some fucking Sambo, instead of dealing with the realness?
Guess who's tired of crying on the inside?
Raquel. Not "The Jaded NYer" not "The Voices" but RAQUEL!!!
I don't know... maybe I'll give her a little bit. Maybe I'll talk about my indifference towards men and how it ruins every and any potential relationship that comes my way before it even starts. Maybe I'll talk about the sadness that still surrounds me whenever I think about Grandma, even though she passed away so long ago. Or maybe I'll clue her into the fact that my horribly horrific financial decisions have crippled me to the point where I've painted myself into a proverbial corner with paint that's taking a really, really long time to dry.
I'll tell you what, though-- I'm definitely NOT touching upon my relationship with Mami, even though I'm sure that's the key to it all, because I'm not ready to open that can of worms yet. I have to take baby steps or I might explode all over her office, and I'm pretty sure my co-pay won't cover the cleaning crew.
And I love that you all sit through all my tantrums and politically incorrect tirades, and can still appreciate what I have to say and understand what it is I'm trying to do. Really, I do. If I didn't have you guys I seriously would be in Bellevue, no joke- a real live Girl, Interrupted and shit.
Only louder and in Spanglish.
*end credits*
Gilberto Santa Rosa - Pensando En Ti
*smooches...glad to have gotten that out of the way*
------------
now maybe I can breathe a little better and get off this damn couch. At least on weekdays.
on another note, someone is "following" this blog, even though I don't know what that means and did not add the "follow me" widget that blogger keeps trying to push... I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but what is this "follow me" shit?
y'all gonna have me looking over my shoulder on the way home...
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15 comments:
You should go in there and spill your guts of everything on your mind. Yes, it has a way of making you feel incredibly vulnerable. But it takes such a burden off your shoulders.
Imagine what it was like for me when I was finally able to let all that "my mother is such a bitch" shit go. To no longer have that anger and hurt festering inside of me. It was a wonderful moment.
You'd be amazed how good it feels.
Raquel, I'm so feeling you on this post. I'm incredibly guarded when it comes to the kinda stuff you mention. I think it might help to let go of the "I dont know how to communicate" and try to deal with why you're so ashamed to do so. I know, for me, it has to do with the idea of being judged but no one judges you as harsh as you judge yourself. I'm not a psychologist or anything but these are some of the things that help me cope.
I couldnt tell you to go to your psych and just EXPUNGE since I'd never be able to do that but maybe you can write a couple of things down that you want to talk to her about beforehand. You're obviously a great writer. btw, I LOVE spanglish! Buena suerte.
Release, Relax, Relate!!!
Sounds to me that venting helps a great deal. Why not sit and tell her everything you've said here? Actually, just show her the post. You'll be sure to be four steps ahead of where you are at this moment.
I wish you the best of luck. I know it is hard to break that wall down and allow someone to see into your soul.
Those barrels of shame? In my family, it's called the ICGC ... Irish Catholic Guilt Chromosome ... and I believe I was doled out two or three when they were handing them out. Why is it that even recognizing it isn't enough for me to shake it? There are days when I still swear the evils of the world are my fault somehow.
For the longest time, I frowned upon therapy. It was for the weak, for the crazies, for those who thought they needed the latest meds advertised on tv. Then I broke up with my boyfriend of ten years and realized, while my friends and family were there for me, I needed bigger and more professional health than they could provide.
It's been just about a year since I've been seeing her and there are still things I haven't opened up about. But you know what? I dump my guts at her door every Monday and walk out feeling so good. As my mom has said, it's just nice to have an hour where we can talk all about me.
I agree with Urban Thought ... read this to her. The hardest thing I ever did was read some of my writing journal to my therapist. Turned out to be one of the most progress-filled sessions yet.
I'm with everyone else. Just give her a link to the blog. You might even be able to have an email appointment. If she reads your blog and just sends you an email of her opinion you can save time and train fare. It is 2008 why can't shrinks to web appointments?
@irene- what? I don't know if I can do that... we only have 45 minutes...
@and1grad- I thought about writing some notes down but I thought it would be dorky...
@urban thought- wait. show her THIS post? the one where I question her credentials? um... I'm gonna sleep on that and see how I feel in the morning... lol
@kelly- trust me when I say the Catholics dole out the shame to everyone, not just the Irish, but I see you understand where I'm coming from. I bet you also had to endure 9 years of parrochial school, too, right? *sigh*
@super dave- online appointments... like in a chatroom! you're GENIUS! I'm gonna see if she'll go for it
lol
that opening up shyt is WACK lol
j/k its hard... i blame a lot of my non-successes with relationships on my lack of opening up
Hmmm. You make a good point. Maybe you can cut and paste your post into a Word document so you can edit it out the questioning of her credentials but show her the rest.
Thankfully, no parochial school. I briefly went to St. Francis but we moved in the middle of my freshman year and I wound up in public school.
But the ICGC is in the blood as well as taught. One way or another, it never seems to go away.
Lol, you werent getting a big head were you?
cln - suffice it to say, NO, she wasn't ... and not for lack of looking for one, either.
oh. wait ....
But you gotta love how everyone came out with all this support and mike comes in with ... "big head?!? WHERE?!?!?" LMAO - keep him around.
You should be able to do both, nena. Deal with the real shit and keep up with the tomfoolery (this word has been making the blog rounds here lately - I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon). One shouldn't be at the expense of the other. To this point in your life (errr - OUR life), it's become part of you. To just nix it would be like cutting off your left arm.
Although, what a weight loss success story THAT would be!
"I lost 12 pounds in 15 minutes," you'd say holding up a hacksaw.
I haven't peeped the blog in a minute so I must've missed the slapstick.
Nice to see you open up though. Now, if you can do it on the internet in front of potentially millions of people, I'm sure you could do it in front of one person in her office, no?
Good luck. And PS where have you been hiding these heart-stopping drugs? stop holding out! lol
you just opened up here! i know it can be hard, but i believe in therpy. a neutral perspective is always great
Uhm yeah I know more about you than I know about a lot of folks so I think you need to lay down on her couch and pretend you are writing for the blog. If it helps tip tap your fingers, though she may then diagnose you as OCD. LOL
Look therapy is as hard as we make it. I love my therapist and I go in there and say what I need to and I am free as a bird.
@judy- yes, child... side effect of being Dominican, maybe? lol
@kelly- no parrochial school? you're so lucky...
@clnmike- I sure was... started referring to myself in the 3rd person... that's when I knew I'd gone too far
@jack- you just gave me an idea for another cartoon...
@the webmaster- you missed the slapstick AND the drugs, dude... I'm clean and sober now, you know that!
@pcd- it's easy here because no one is looking at me.. I'm hiding behind my computer. if I had to speak to y'all face to face it would be much different
@the f$%k it list- yeah, girl, um... I chickened out. we just talked about how I was gonna exit my crappy job ASAP some more, since that's my immediate problem
listen here, webmaster - if anyone here is getting the drugs, it's ME, carajo. Don't make me cutchu ....
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