...is what I was looking like at 4:35AM this morning. I got up specifically at that time to catch up on some stuff- housework, writing, etc. But when I began to approach each mini-project, this sense of doom mixed in with sleep deprivation and anger and helplessness and just AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
So I called in sick. And I called my old shrink.
What scares me the most is my ability to- even with this feeling in my gut that made me physically ill this morning to the point where I was checking the calendar, curious if my cycle was changing on me yet again- still compose myself as if nothing is wrong.
Like after I made the appointment with the shrink I called this state agency to check on some health insurance options in the event that I decide this job is toxic and I need to leave. And then I called the jerky neuro to let him know that he fucked up and needed to make it right (and SUPER HUGE BIG THANKS to BAM who advised me on how to get the proper care I was entitled to through my insurance carrier... so amazingly awesome of you!!!).
I even went grocery shopping and did not freak out when A) the self check out machine was acting a fool (although I may have threatened to beat the shit out of it) and B) I discovered that my debit card was not in my wallet. I had to go all the way back home and come all the way back. That's like 12 blocks in total for those of you not familiar with my neighborhood.
But then I took one item off my plate and dropped off some laundry- just the linen, which only cost me $4 more than if I'd done it myself, saving me time and a little bit of sanity. And then I got the most comforting email from Jack reminding me that it's OK to say "no."
Still, I feel like this ticking time bomb. Like, I know I kid about climbing a clock tower and taking some people out but this morning, seriously, I felt like I could have. For Real. Scary shit, right?
*smooches...with a few screws loose and a couple of lost marbles*
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I have posts scheduled for the week so the blog will go on, but don't expect any "real time" stories from me for a couple of days while I quiet The Voices, and don't be mad if I'm ghost from your site. I'll be busy trying to steer clear of the COO-COO house.
and for those who wondered WHY I have like 13 emergency drafts saved at all times... see? It's for times like this, when my brain explodes, so that I can still maintain some semblance of normalcy somewhere.
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9 comments:
Good mmorning, Raquel.....
Jack gave you great advice, and both you and Bam are awesome women. I think I know enough to say this about each of you.
I'm sorry but that long walk there and long walk back and long walk there again, it was funny. Cause I can imagine the thoughts running through your head.
or having the author adress the reader in a book- it's unsettling.
I'm sorry that I recommended you CWE and it wasn't that deal. I'm sure my other recommended reads will be better.
Speaking of saying no ...
At any rate, the walk may have been good for you. I bet you were stomping the fuck out that sidewalk - exercise is good. It helps release the negative energy.
And if you really need to pummel on someone to make yourself feel better (you know - because beating the fuck out someone has a therapeutic side to it) I nominate Don. He still doesn't comment on my blog and it's about time someone gave him what he's got coming. And what better person than you, all stressed out and pumped with adrenaline, uppers and morphine ....
*winks at Don*
4:35 am?????OH my good how do you do it.
@ jack: hahahaha. Raquel was just telling me how fortunate she is...to have a great friend like you. I see what she means.
That pic is awesome. If you do go crazy someone can sell this blog as your memoirs...lmao
R- RELAX
R-RELATE
R-RELEASE
The blog will be here,and so will all these folks.
no radio? awww damn! i stayed up late just to hear it. lol
Hey babe...
Glad I could help. I promise I didn't do it for the link or the public thank you. Those were just bonus'.
Let me know if you need anything else :)
It's something with the gravitational pull of the earth these days. Making all of us a little crazy.
When I am spazzin, I turn off everything electronic, take a hot shower and relax with a glass of Ciroq and Roses Lime Juice.
Works for at least a couple hours.
Feel balanced soon.
@don- thank you... and yes, I was pissed all the way home and back, and had to talk myself out of just sitting on the sidewalk to cry. I was just like, "It's okay; just get your card and come back. Drop your laundry off and kill 2 birds with one stone. It's cool"
and it was.
@jack- I though about beating up the old lady next door who keeps trying to sell me one of her creepy looking homemade dolls, and THEN had the nerve to comment on the tattoo on my back.
I don't like her.
But if don wants to volunteer...
@dessex- I'm an insomniac. not fun at all. trust me.
@don- he takes good care of me :)
@super dave- LMAO! that was funny... but you know Jack will probably call dibs on that, right?
@dipsetjam- I know you're ride or die, don't worry!
@the f$%k it list- Thanks, girl. I'll try to relax, although it's not really in my vocabulary...
@12kyle- you're not foolin me... you were up watching football so STOP LYIN' lol
@bam- I know you didn't want the accolades which made you deserve it even more. I'll be picking up my Rx tomorrow and found a PT near my job that takes new patients.
It might take a couple of months (and lots of whiskey) but I'm gonna get balanced or die trying!!
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