Dulce Independencia

Today is Independence Day in the Dominican Republic.



And I will be celebrating in Washington Heights AKA Little DR



This guy, who's in all the videos, Fernandito Villalona, will be performing at another venue in The Heights,



But I won't be able to make it to that party.



Other merengue and bachata greats will be performing in various spots in The Heights, too, like Toño Rosario,



Hector Acosta,



and Los Rosario



The party I'm going to will have bachateros Xtreme.



Which leads me to wonder: If all these awesome musicians are here... who's performing in Santo Domingo?

*besos...orgullosamente Dominicana*
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Ojala que disfrutes de su fin de semana... son los deseos de La Jaded NYer y todas Las Voces quevive en ella.

Now That I've Popped My [Reading] Cherry...

I'm hella serious this year about getting published. By 2010, somewhere, somehow, my words will be in print with a literary journal so that by 2011, somewhere, somehow, my words will be in print backed by a book publisher and available for purchase at Barnes and Noble.

My mom spent A LOT OF MONEY on Greta:



and I WILL use this pen to sign my contracts, and then use it again to sign books at my B&N appearances. I will. Not, "I want to" or "I hope I get a chance to" but I. WILL.

There will be a book release party in a beautiful loft in DUMBO catered by Mami and Titi Gloris with an open bar and TWO DJs, maybe I'll even get Mari's padrino to perform with his salsa band, and Papi will be my plus one (because, of course, my book will be dedicated to him and Grandma). I will wear a tiara the entire night and hire a photographer to take candid photos of me with my guests.

And you're all invited.

So make sure that you're in the NYC area, or a short plane ride away, sometime in 2011. Consider this post your "Save The Date" card.

I can't even explain to you how I felt up there on that stage, reading one of my babies to the crowd, many of which were there specifically for ME. I was nervous, my mouth was sooo dry, and I was too afraid to look up and make eye contact with the crowd. I almost lost my shit a few times because the story is based on my family and I kept thinking about Grandma and y'all know how I cry whenever I think of her. But I HATE HATE HATE to let anyone see me cry so I held it together.

But even with all that trepidation, I felt at home. I belonged there. This is what I've been working towards... this was it. All the sleepless nights trying to capture all the words The Voices were throwing around into a coherent tale; the $20K I borrowed for graduate school to perfect and enhance my craft. All of the times I isolated myself from the world for the sake of my writing. It all lead up to that moment, which gave birth to this feeling that I can now truly conquer the literary world.

I have some stories to tell, and gosh darnit, they are going to get told.

*smooches...armed with a confidence I've never known before*
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I think right now I'm at level 8. If I reach 9 before the summer I may just haul off and get a man and fuck his bra... wait... that's none of your business...

Things That Make Baby Jesus Cry, Vol. 1

• men wearing fur
• The Jaded NYer in church
• when the internet is slow
• crazy-ass anti-weed commercials from abroad





• reality TV, especially the ones on VH1
• Uggs
• the contents of the Tupperware in the back of my fridge
• this video: why must i cry





• my dusty MFA thesis
• public relations firms
• FoxNews
• this recession and its effect on my cupboards
• the way my new neighbor laughs
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck
• the fact that I've only ridden my bike once since I bought it. SHUT. UP. Jack!

*smooches...hoping that you'll be nicer to baby Jesus now that it's Lent*
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because really- what kind of heartless bastard makes babies cry?

Putting Things In Perspective...

First, though, please check out last night's TWO-HOUR Artist Spotlight with Micheal Tate of 3D Ritmo De Vida by clicking here.

It was a pretty awesome interview if I do say so myself, so you'd be doing yourself a favor by tuning in. No, really, go check it out. I'll wait.

...
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...
...
...

What'd I tell you- kick ass, right? Feel free to check the band out online at www.hear3Dmusic.com.

Okay, now on to the post...

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Sometimes, in my house, I have to put on my super mom outfit to keep these girls in line. And recently, it went a little bit like this:

K: UGH... we have health class starting again. And we're being graded. AND I have math first period. UGH!

ME: Be thankful you even go to school and that you weren't up since 4AM picking cotton. Did you know that not too long ago it was illegal for Black people to learn to read?

K (mumbling): ugh... never mind...

*smooches...trying to get this child to stop complaining so much*
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besides... that's MY job, dammit!!

Confidence Level Holding Steady At 7...And Other Musings

I wrote a blog post about my weekend.

Wanna read it?

Here it go:

Movies, Movies And More Movies
Those of you who follow me on Twitter already know- Mari and I spent the ENTIRE SATURDAY at the Georgetown Lowes watching the five movies that were nominated for an Oscar: Milk, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire and Frost/Nixon.

The AMC theaters had this promotion- 5 films for $30 plus free, refillable large popcorn. HOW could I pass that up???

And can I just say, this year the Academy nominated five really amazing films (Well, except for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button... that movie sucked ass...). Like for real amazing! Mari and I favored The Reader because it was such a great and touching story, but Slumdog Millionaire was also very good so I'm not mad it won- it was really a tough call.

Monday Musings With 3D Ritmo De Vida, Take 2
I had to cancel last week's show because of technical difficulties, so Michael Tate, band leader of 3D Ritmo De Vida was gracious enough to give it another try tonight.



Make sure you tune in for some good tunes and good conversation.



Confidence Level Holding Steady At 7
Soooo... the infamous reading was on Sunday. And, like you all predicted, it went really well!

I was really nervous- first that I would stumble on my words or fall on stage, and second that no one would like what I had to read. PLUS, the ultimate judge was in the audience... MAMI! So, yeah, I was hella nervous. But I only stumbled on one sentence. I had a lot of people there to show support. And I received really good feedback from the other writers.

Can we say Cloud Nine?

I want to give a special shout out to everyone who trekked out to Harlem to support me in this scary yet exciting leap of faith:

My mami (who didn't say if she liked it or not but hey, she came to support me so I'll take what I can get)

Minnie, who's like my number one cheerleader, and her friends Logan and Dora (and Dora's son Pablo) who also came out and told me they really enjoyed it; that made me smile inside and out.

The lovely blogging ladies, The F$%k It List and ShellyShell who came all the way from Brooklyn, too, and look at the lovely flowers The F$%k It List gave me:



I really almost cried but held back 'cause my mascara wasn't waterproof... I was very touched.

Mari's BFF and proxy, Carol... sweet lil Carol! Thanks so much, nena; I'm so glad you could make it!

The Webmaster, who had a series of train mishaps and missed my reading but stayed anyway, thank you so much for even coming, dude. That meant a lot to me.

All of you, thanks so much for coming out, for your encouraging words of praise and just the love I felt from your presence. I really can't even thank you enough. Now I just have to get through Career Day at Tech on Saturday and I'll be GOLDEN!

Any NYers who missed this reading, there will be another one next month on the Lower East Side, but in the meantime, you can read the story I performed on Sunday here: Enfermos (Part 1)

BTW- My Blow Dryer Broke
So I had to dust off my Mixed Chicks products last week.



Can I just add how depressed I am that my blow dryer is kaput? It's just been a bad month for technology in my house- the blow dryer, the printer, my camera... what the hell?!?! Who sent this bad juju my way? Please take it away, because my computer is a Dell, which means it's shitty upon birth; I don't need it to die altogether!

*smooches...backing up all of my documents like a mofo*
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with this computer I understand it's not a matter of if but rather a matter of when. matter of fact, let me back up again... just in case...

You Cannot...

...walk around the City in THAT outfit and expect me to not put you on blast. You were clearly looking for a reaction, so here's mine: BARF...PUKE...GROSS!

...ask, "Where is my Barack Obama" if you are not a Michelle. It's simple math, really.

...expect me to be in the mood if your breath smells like dirty monkey ass. I *will* dry up like the Sahara.

...speak to me while I'm watching LOST or HEROES, dammit! These storylines need my full attention so your chatter needs to pause for like 42 minutes.

...convince me that Denzel Washington is gorgeous because he's just not. He's not FUGLY or anything, but gorgeous is really pushing it.

...touch my hair. Period. Don't even ask.

...put yourself in the public eye and then complain about the attention. Please get over yourself.

...ask me questions you already know the answers to, and then get mad because I tell you the truth. I'm not here to sugarcoat shit so deal.

...be me, so just accept it and move it along. Nothing more to see here.




*smooches...giving you food for thought for the weekend*
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sooooo... Sunday is the big day, my reading, and I'm trying not to freak the hell out.

hopefully spending the day with Mari in DC on Saturday will help me relax.

peace, bitchezzzzzzz!

Meet The Voices

Well, here it is finally, a profile of The Voices.

I refer to them plenty and a couple of you have asked about them and WHY they have names and HOW MANY exist.

1- There are many; new ones pop up every now and then so not all of them have names, just the more vocal and prominent ones.

2- I name them because, like with everything else in my life, living or non, I like to personalize it so that I can become "one" with it, whether it be my cellular phone (Roscoe), my camera (Cookie), printer (Delilah, who actually passed away this week) or my couch (Sofia... N named her, not me!).

Got it? Good.

Welcome to my brand of crazy... I tried to warn you...

Lady Estrogen AKA The Lady
She is the dominant one in my head and pretty much rules over the other voices with an iron fist. She's the giver of the SIDE EYE and emits stankness levels that reach off the charts and, I recently deducted, hates my guts with a passion. Bitch just plum does not like me! K&N know her as "Mean Mommy"

Clementine
She's a sweetie pie; a little naive but not dumb. She loves to laugh and be silly and sometimes speaks without thinking because she's just bubbly like that. She's great with the kids- K & N know her as "Fun Mommy"

Rebbecca
She's the level-headed, mother hen of the crew, especially when it comes to work related things. She reminds me to send stuff in before deadline, to follow up with editors and to fill out grant applications whenever possible. She's a good egg, but I hardly ever listen to her (unfortunately).


Miranda
She's the sloth of the crew. Whenever there's shit to do, she's the one who suggests we watch Law & Order SVU on Netflix instead. She's also the one who spends hours online surfing the net and chats online with no real purpose and gets caught up reading a magazine when really she should have been tying up the recycling. K&N know her as "Lazy Mommy"

Eve
She's a straight up hussy slut. That tattoo on my back? Her idea! Together with the late, great Justine (see below) she orchestrated and participated in some of the most unmentionable moments in my life. And that's all I'm legally able to tell you. K&K do NOT know her at all.

Justine
My sweet lil lush... Justine could drink a 200lb British dude under the table, God love her! She often hung out with Eve getting me into all kinds of uncomfortable situations, but if you remember back to THIS post, we gave her the boot in order to save my liver.

Sabrina
She's hella fun because, well, she's hella NUTS! This one thought it was fun to steal residential mailboxes in college, or to advise the babies to punch kids in the face for doing them wrong or to have a baby at age 20! She never fails to offer the most off-kilter advice to all my friends (Friend: How can I get out of this interview? Sabrina: Tell them fools to back the fuck up 'cause you ain't got the time!) in the name of comedy. K&N know her as "Crazy Mommy"

And then there's me, Raquel, trying to keep this 20,000 ring circus under control long enough to earn a living so I don't end up in Bellevue.

Now, excuse me while I go and tell Justine for the UMPTEENTH TIME that NO, she cannot come back.

*smooches...afraid to tell you about the other Voices 'cause it might frighten you*
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and this is assuming that you aren't already afraid and vowing NEVER to meet me in person.

Living My Life Offline

My dear sweet readers... you know I love you like family, right? In fact- some of you are actually blood-relatives, or I've known you so long your last name might as well be Penzo (although, thank your lucky stars it's NOT! lol).

And you know I enjoy bringing you something hilarious, informative, entertaining and uplifting to read Monday thru Friday, right?

OK. I'm glad you know this, because I don't want you to freak out if you notice me pulling away from certain social media sites here and there from now on. This includes Twitter and Facebook, and possibly even the comment section of your blog (even though I'm still reading, I swear!).

The reason? Well... I've gotten a bit of a life, you know, and that requires me to pull away from the computer. And thanks to a post from Amber "Bam" Cabral (if you're not reading her blog, you're a loser) I got this boost to, you know, just do what I have to do and walk away from distractions that are killing my chances at success because of my addiction to procrastinating.

My K-Bear Baby is about to go to High School, my alma mater, actually, and I've made a commitment as a parent to become heavily involved in her HS education. Especially because this school can be a huge slap of reality in a kid's face- it takes tons of hard work to maintain straight A's at Brooklyn Tech, and what may have come easy to her in grade school will not at Tech. I should know... *hides HS transcript from readers*

My Princess N Baby, the other evil genius in the family, needs more activities in her life to harness her creativity and propensity to be an athlete, and I need to be there for that, too. Did y'all see the CUTEST pic of her on her skateboard? NO? Lookie here:



That's my baby!

I'm taking a huge step in my "Pursuit of the Pulitzer" goal by participating in that reading this Sunday, and I want to roll with it and get more aggressive about publishing my stories. I can't do that if I'm on Twitter complaining about the temperature of my office and telling everybody what I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Plus lets not forget all the business ventures I'm dabbling in, including Monday Musings, in order to be able to work from home and hand my boss that resignation letter I composed last year. Yup- I wrote that shit already because it's not a matter of IF but rather a matter of WHEN, and that, of course, depends on already having a lucrative Plan B and C and D.

And I may have other things going on that keep me busy and away from the computer sometimes. But that's neither here nor there so SHUT THE FUCK UP!

All of that to say that while Monday thru Friday will be business as usual here at The Jaded NYer, Raquel may be ghost from other online realms for extended periods of time because she's busy living her life. Her AND The Voices. (PS- Clementine says, "hi")

But I still love you. I promise.

*smooches...looking forward to the newness of Spring and all that it brings*
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shit... did I just fucking RHYME?? Ugh... I make myself sick sometimes... CRAP! I did it again!!!!!!!

Where Does She Get This From?

My kids... *sigh*

So I'm combing N's hair one morning before school, and we hear K in the kitchen eating ICE CREAM for breakfast!!

ME: That girl is addicted to ice cream. We should send her to Ice Cream Rehab!

At this point I go into my own rendition of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab".

N: I don't know about you, but I think you need to go to singing rehab.

I'm done! Somebody come get this lil heifer out my house!!!

*smooches...wondering if turning them into little mes was the right thing to do*
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now they are using their powers against me, just like Jen Yu did to the Jade Fox... damn heifers!

My Brain Is A-fluttering Again

And the best way to deal with a fluttering brain is to just let it spill its contents.

Are YOU The King/Queen Of Movie Quotes?
One of my twitter folk claimed to be the King of Movie Quotes, but he couldn't even identify a simple, recurring quote from the movie Clerks by Kevin Smith! What a fraud! So, who wants his crown... plus a copy of The Black List audio book? Visit Stranger Than Fiction and email me your answers- I'm closing comments over there so that no one can copy off of each other's paper!


3D Ritmo De Vida On Monday Musings
UPDATE-- TONIGHT'S SHOW CANCELED... I'M EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES (translation: Blog Talk Radio is acting a damn fool) But I WILL be back next week... Promise!!
I interviewed this cat Michael Tate from the band 3D Ritmo De Vida for Latin Pulse Music a while ago, and since they just dropped a new CD, Que Siga La Rumba, I invited him on the show to talk about it.



Make sure you tune in; I'll play a few songs off the album and pick Michael's brain just for you!


I'm A Bad Dominican
I completely forgot about Dominican Independence Day on the 27th and didn't even know that New York State has a Dominican Heritage Month from January 26 to February 25, ruining my chances for this feature story on Dominicans I'm working on from getting any interest from the local press. Did y'all know NYS had a Dominican Heritage Month?? Well, I didn't. Why didn't anybody TELL me?? And now the Dominican Caucus might revoke my Quisqueya Card... they're reviewing my file right this minute... wish me luck!


K-Ci And JoJo Are Brothers?
WORD? Why didn't anyone tell me? I just thought they were two crackheads in a band. Bothers? Really? But one is so skinny and the other is so...not! Genetics is funny that way I guess...


The Jaded Online Store
I'm still working on it. Or rather still planning on working on it. Promise.

I have the logo tees, 2 new calendars, greeting cards I worked on with Jack, the Alaska and W. Virginia tees, another line of tees that The Karrie B gave me an idea for and the very funny "How To Tame A Man" book I wrote for Kate's bachelorette party gift.

Not that anyone has any money to buy any of my shit, but still, if the economy picks up you should have that option. It's only right.

*smooches...trying to be brave for this Sunday's reading in Harlem by not thinking about it*
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I will not throw up.
I will not throw up.
I will not throw up.
I will not throw up.
I will not throw up.

Ain't Y'all Heard? It's A Recession!

I don't subscribe to that whole "economic downturn" bullshit they are trying to sell me- the U.S.A. is B.R.O.K.E.!!!

Mere mortals like myself didn't really feel it at first- I don't have investments, a 401K, property, a car or any of that mess so it was all whatever.

But then the auto industry was falling off the ledge and that affected my tiny family. And then the ethanol industry boom finally burst and food prices started going through the roof. And the final nail in the coffin? I didn't get a bonus OR a raise this year. That's when I knew this shit was SERIOUS.

So now we're all in the thick of it, struggling, hustling, putting Plans B, C & D into full effect, activating the Bat Signals and thinking back to how our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents dealt with lean times.

Please trust that every little bit counts.

What am I doing? Ugh... too much! But here are some tips to help keep you out of the poorER house until Saint Obama delivers us from brokeness. (sorry, just had to get my Obama dig in there!!)

1- Get Creative In The Kitchen
Food is a difficult thing with me because I can get pretty picky when it comes to what I will buy, cook and eat. Lately, Foodtown has only had good deals on ribs, ground beef and pork chops. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo... I don't eat beef or pork. Why are they toying with my emotions? When are they going to put that damn family pack of Shady Brook Farms ground turkey on sale again?? That shit is damn near the main staple of my diet! I take those three pounds of turkey goodness and transform it into a small turkey loaf, one pot of turkey chili, and a couple dozen turkey meatballs. BOOM- three days worth of dinner for me and the babies right there, WITH leftovers for the weekend.

But alas, ground turkey has been hard to come by. So we look for deals on seafood, chicken and turkey products like Kielbasa and italian sausage (which I recently discovered is a decent substitute for ground turkey if you remove the casing and crumble up the meat, PLUS it's already seasoned. BONUS!!).

Also, I shop at like 4 different markets, hunting down deals like a crazy coupon lady. And don't forget the cardinal rule... BUY IN BULK... even if you live alone!

So far we haven't gone hungry because I'm great at improvising and making things last and dammit, just going without so the babies can eat. But please don't feel bad for me... I can afford to skip a meal. Or five. Do I need to send you a pic of my jiggly belly? Don't make me...

2- Bills, Bills, Bills
There is no escaping these mo-fo paycheck eaters, so the only thing I can tell you is REDUCE THEM BITCHES!

Do you really need a landline? Unlimited texting on your cell? ALL those cable channels? Must you keep all the god-damn lights on all the god-damn time? And for chrissake- would it kill you to unplug the shit you aren't currently using (not including the stove and fridge)?

Laugh if you want to, but I've reduced my electric and gas bills by at least 25% in the past year, and with the high-ass rates we have in NYC, that's nothing to shake a stick at!

3- Entertainment & Extras
You know I love to be OUT as much as the next guy, but c'mon. We're all adults. Some things you just have to put aside for now, like $12 movies (with the $5 small popcorn and the $4 small soda), $15 CDs and $22 DVDs. They can all just get the hell on because THIS chick watches shit for free online and gets music through 'connected' friends.

Shoes, clothes, accessories, OH MY! Do you really need another pair of jeans? Sneakers? ANOTHER hoody? Why? 'Cause that shit looks hot? And? You know what else is hot? Not being the homeless dude in a pair of designer jeans. At most you need one article of clothing for everyday of the week. For example, I have FIVE, yes only FIVE pairs of pants I wear to work. I wash them often and just keep recycling them with a different top. If the people I work with have shit to say about that they are more than welcomed to buy me more pants with their money 'cause I'm good.

As for eating out/going out for drinks... well, there will be times when you cannot stay in because you're going stir crazy in your apartment. But when you do it, be smart- go to happy hours, eat at small, family owned restaurants, know the staff and get hooked up, split the bill and most importantly- pre-game it at your place so you won't feel like you need to order every drink in the joint.

4- DIY Overload
This is not the time to be lazy or live like your daddy got A-Rab money: take public transportation over a cab, do your own laundry, cook your own food, sew your own clothes, pluck your own brows, wax your own 'stache, do your own hair, manicure your own nails. You ain't famous- do your own shit!

5- Side Hustle Til You Drop
Teachers can moonlight as tutors. Cops can moonlight as security officers. Stay-at-home-moms can take in another kid or two to babysit. There's a side hustle for every occupation under the sun, believe me, so find it, do it, and pocket the money in a high-interest ING savings account.

Mi gente, we will ride out this nasty, broke-ass wave, you'll see. My family lived through hell in DR back in the day and again in the Carter and Reagan years when NYC was so broke people left the City in droves. We'll live through this, too, and I'm bringing all of y'all with me!!

*smooches...channeling mami, grandma, and Nenena in this post*
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seriously- if you need help getting your budget under control let me know and I'll help you, free of charge. My mom helped me a year ago and it really made a difference. Just one of the perks of being the child of an accountant who came to America from a poverty-stricken country... we KNOW how to stretch a dollar AND a peso!

At the very least I can send you the template for the excel spreadsheet she created for me to keep my money in check, in case you don't already use Quicken or something similar. It's all about making sure all my people are uplifted... now, feel free to pay this shit forward!

Download The Podcast Until I Come Back

I know I've told you that I keep drafts of posts for days when I'm too busy to blog, and I do, but those drafts are bare-boned and still need editing. All of them. And frankly I'm too busy to even do that. (And how fitting is my uber-busyness given last night's discussion on wanting to do it all. God... I'm like a walking-talking-writing single-parent stereotype!)

In the meantime I'll leave you with the podcast link to last night's show which was really good (as usual) and you're a big poopie face if you missed it. There, I said it!

Click here to listen to the show.

Click here to leave a comment on the BTR blog.

And I'll try to get my shit together long enough to post some real words on here soon. Promise!

*smooches...up to my neck in this and that and the other*
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it's just turning out to be one of those months... ya dig?

"All The Single Parents... Now Put Your Hands Up"

Tonight's Monday Musings is talking to YOU!

My girl Cathi will co-host my upcoming Child Rearing 101 episode on Single Parenting and you don't want to miss it.



No seriously, you don't want to, because we know it's hard as hell to raise kids on your own, and we know that many days you sit and wonder- "What if I didn't have them?" and then feel guilty about thinking that, and that some days you go without (food, new clothes, a night out) because the kids need (to eat, get new clothes, go on a school trip) and their needs come before your own.

And we know that at least once you've been on that verge of throwing them across the room and donning that proverbial orange jumpsuit because, dammit, you just can't take it anymore.

Trust us, we know.

And while Cathi's parents are still happily married, my mom remains as single as when I was a kid, so I also know what it's like to be the kid of a single parent: mad at being put in charge of Mari for what felt like 24/7; never getting any help with homework; hardly ever seeing my mom because she worked in the City; doing without, eating no frills government food, having to take job after job while other kids my age got an allowance and just chilled.

Trust me, I know.

So tune in tonight, if for no other reason than to know that you're not the only one out there going through it.

*smooches...because I know you need it*
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and don't even get me started on how it affects your love life... woo lord...

if you have any questions you want us to help with on tonight's show, feel free to ask in the comments. And no worries- I accept anonymous comments here :D

"...A Rose By Any Other Name..."

I get bored a lot in my tiny apartment, and yeah I could be cleaning or writing but that sounds too much like work. And when you ALREADY spend the entire day writing for pay, writing for fun kind of loses its luster. "Be careful what you wish for..."

So one boring day, just for fun, I looked up the meaning of my name. I'd done so in the past, but every reference is slightly different so I look it up a lot. (GOD! I sound sooooo pathetic! I swear I'm tons o' fun. For real. Do not judge me by this blog post. Please?)

And because I'm obsessive-compulsive like that, I looked up my family's names, too. For those that know us, tell me what you think- were we given the right names?? HA!

I'm a Precious Lamb (stop your snickering RIGHT THIS MINUTE, CARAJO!)
K is a Wise Child
N is Pleasant and Delightful
Mami is Merciful
Titi Gloris is, well, full of Glory
Minnie is the Goddess of Wisdom
Mari- Bitter or Bitter Sea (for Mariel)
Papi is He Who is Like God
Grandma's name means God Has Healed
My wack-ass biological father's name means Protector. What a cruel joke.
And Mari's dad's name mean's Reborn. Into what, I don't know.

So that's my tiny nuclear family.

What about you- what does your name mean?? Does it fit you? Why or why not? I'm dying to find out!!!

*smooches...easing you into the weekend with an interactive post*
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everybody likes those, right?

You Know What?

I've been taking a One-A-Day multi-vitamin plus biotin for like two weeks now, and STILL I cannot get my throat used to swallowing that shit. One is bigger than my face and the other is the size of a nerd candy.



So one chokes the shit out of me and the other gets stuck in the pockets of flesh in the back of my throat. I may just start taking the Flinstone chewables I bought for N.

*******

I can't stop throwing tantrums when I don't get my way. In 20 years it's going to be real sad to see a 54-year-old woman kicking and screaming because the books she ordered online took more than 10 business days to reach her door. Real sad.

*******

I've had like three people ask me if I'm OK with my ex getting married so here's the deal, straight up, from the heart: he and I were NOT meant to stay together and splitting up was the best decision we ever made. I have no desire to be his wife or girlfriend or anything like that. Only thing that makes me a tad green is that he found someone before I did... as if we were competing or something... because I feel like it speaks volumes on why we split, i.e.- IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. And who wants to believe a break up was their own fault??

*******

I'm still looking for a wife; someone to come to my apartment and do all the domestic shit I don't want to do. I mean, yeah, I could have K & N do it, but they suck at house work! In return for the household services and running basic errands, I'm willing to offer my writing/editing services and/or home-cooked meals and baked goods, plus the occasional free book and hair styling to said potential wife. I promise you wouldn't have to wash my undies (cause ewwww, who's wash someone else's undies??) or N's socks. Hit me up in the comments if you want the gig.

*******

I don't want anything happening anywhere near my butt:



I swear to GOD somebody will be stabbed to death and then some if they even attempt it with me. You've been warned.

*******

I would gladly give up many of my worldly possessions for a great-paying writing-related gig that didn't require me to work from 9-5. I'm too much of a free spirit to be confined to business hours. I know that no matter if I leave my PR gig and find another, I'll grow to hate that one, too, because they'll have all these stupid rules about hours and vacation days and AAAAACCCKKKKK!!!! When did we become so married to business hours?? That's NOT how our natural body clocks work. Can't we see how we're killing ourselves??

*******

I miss all my old dolls and stuffed animals. I had them in storage after I left The Waco School for Girls, and by the time I went to pick them up they smelled funny. Moldy or something. So to be on the safe side I had to toss them out. My baby Sha-Sha, my Cabbage Patch Kids Felix Johnny (who still kinda smelled like baby powder... CPKs used to all smell like baby powder... like real babies) and Regan Kristi and the stuffed elephant that used to share my crib, Elly. My mom made that elephant for me. It hurt to death to throw them out.

Maybe that's why I feel so empty? Because all of my childhood "friends" are now in a landfill in VA somewhere?

*smooches...happy to set some of my thoughts free*
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I can't tell you how many of these random things fly around my head and keep me up at night...

Because I'm Having Issues With My Taxes...

...I hadn't planned on blogging today or tomorrow. I did spew some venom last night with a bunch of negativity and hatred and ugliness, but at the last minute I didn't want to publish it.

Why burden you with that shit? You have your own problems, and it's not fair to you. I never want you to come over here and be stressed out.

So instead I'll share with you this great wellness article I received from the Omega Institute on ways to detox.

Ten Detox Tips

Don't you just love how on my darkest, stankest day of '09 so far I get this email from Omega? It's like the Universe KNEW I needed some advice on how to get rid of the nasties that reside in my mind, body and soul so that I can go on with my life and get shit done.

I hope you find it as informative and helpful as I did.

*smooches...hoping that this will be my worst day for the entire year*
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that way it's over and done with and I can enjoy the next 11 months in peace and harmony.

NEWS FLASH!!!

The Jaded NYer is scheduled to participate in her first live reading.

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

But before I get to the details, we had a great show last night! Thanks to The F$%k It List for co-hosting and the blog fam that tuned in and called in- you guys ROCK!! PS- Eb & Darius... you two... the banter I LOVED IT! Y'all need to always be in the chat room!

If you missed the podcast, click here.

And click here to leave a comment on the BTR blog.

Also, Brother Omi, for the simple fact that you CANNOT live the rest of your days and not own "The Souls of Black Folk" and that Arthur "Arturo" Shomburg's work was truly a major contribution to Afro-Latino and Black History... you win the book.

Drop me a line with the addy and I'll ship it right over!

OK, so back to the HOT OFF THE PRESSES NEWS!

So, um, yeah... I'm going to stand in front of a group of people and read one of my stories aloud. In front of people. I'm shivering already!! Part of me wants to crawl in a hole and die and part of me knows that this is step 1 of becoming the Dominican Oprah so I have to do it.

Dear Lord, I know we don't usually talk and I don't even subscribe to any of your schools of thought but I was hoping you could overlook all of that, remember what an AWESOME Sunday School teacher I used to be, and give me the courage to get through that reading without messing up or throwing up at the mic. I'll even promise not to make any Pope Jokes for all of 2009 if you do this for me. Honest!

Let the church say Amen!

If you're in NYC and you want to get front row seats to the train wreck reading here are the details:

LATINAS IN THE PROCESS: WORD SCRAPBOOK SERIES

ADMISSION: $5.00

Host:Odilia Rivera Santos

Date: Sunday, February 22, 2009
Time: 4:00pm - 6:00 pm

Location: La Pregunta Café 1528 Amsterdam Avenue at 135th Street, New York, NY

Contact Info:
Venue Phone: 3475916387

Venue Email: http://www.lapregunta.net/

Description
The New York City Latina Writers is a group founded by Alicia Anabel. We gather to share, critique and inspire each other. I decided that it would be great to share some of the members' works-in-progress with an audience.

There is a magical synergy that occurs when people hear the words that a writer has so carefully melded all by herself in her garret.

Well, we will be reading what we have thus far and hope you will join us and bring as many people as you can.

We are Latina, which means African, Spanish, Indigenous, suburban, urban, rural and jíbara intellectuals with a lot to say.

OMFG; I think I just burst a blood vessel...

*smooches...hoping my heart makes it to the 22nd*
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it would really suck to drop dead before the reading. like, for real suck!

It's Black History Month, Y'all...And Other Musings

Tonight on Monday Musings, please tune in as The F$%k-It List schools us on Black History Month: What They Never Taught You in School. We'll also touch upon the significance and debate the necessity of a month dedicated to one group of people in today's multi-cultural world.



And just a lil incentive to tune in: I'd love for listeners to share a rare fact on the history of Black people in America and abroad.

The person with the coolest rare fact will win a copy of W.E.B. Du Bois' The Souls of Black Folks, so all you super-competitive book whores need to start googling shit NOW! Be there or be square.

*******

FYI... brunch + a walk through the park + a quick beer at the bar = a really nice first date. But no worries my lovelies, nothing's changed... ya girl is still JADED!

*******

I only saw the last quarter of the game (via a live stream from a German site! lol) but DAYUMMMMM what a fourth quarter it was! SHEE-IT, I have to admit, even though my team wasn't in it that Superbowl was exciting as all hell.

And now I sit patiently waiting for baseball season to begin... it's a countdown to March 6th, bitchezzzz...

*******

You know what ELSE is cool about NYC? All the cool people you call friends, like the ones I hung with this weekend...

...and new people you meet when you're out and about, like I did this weekend.

You know what's not? All the WANKSTERS that walk among us, disguised as regular human beings... (R. Kelly look-a-like, I'm talking about you... in case you missed my drift...)

*******

I'm so excited about so many upcoming things that I wish I had a fast forward machine... baseball, New Orleans, Chicago, the Motherland, Papi's visit, my tax refund (THANKS UNCLE SAM!) and subsequent payoff and cancellation of my two remaining credit cards, mis cumpleaños, Ks High School acceptance letter, spring, summer, fall and Yes, Christmas. I'm excited about all of it.

Aren't you???

*smooches...annoyingly chipper right now for no apparent reason*
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WTF? okay, who spiked my Soy Milk with happy pills??

Jaded Photographs 2009: February Edition

"Real Love"

*smooches...wondering if they'll always be this close*
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boy, do I hope so...