I Always Thank The Church In My Acceptance Speeches

DUDE: just want you to know that you're OFFICIALLY owner of the "Best First Text Message" award
ME: *walks up on stage in tears*
ME: OMG, I don't even know what to say
ME: I want to thank the Catholic Church first and foremost for all the years of repression that led to my total loss of morals and decorum
ME: my parents for great genes
ME: Victoria's Secret for all her support
ME: and the wonderful people at Verizon who never shut my phone off no matter how many payments I am behind on my bill
ME: Thank you all so much. I love you!
ME: *exits stage left*

*smooches...having wayyyy too much fun on this phone*
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and then I wonder why my bill is so freakin high all the time... look at how many texts I sent to a non-Verizon number!!!