"Some love is just a lie of the heart..."
At what point does one come to the conclusion that what they feel for their significant other is *actual* love and not just something one thinks should be love because, well, just because?
I know for a fact I let myself live that lie when I was married. After many fights where he threatened to leave or suggested divorce I, me THE JADED FREAKIN NYER would fall to a fit of tears and tell him that I loved him and we had to give the marriage a try.
"...I know you have doubts, But for God's sake don't shut me out..."
But looking back, hindsight being 20/20 and all, how could I have thought it was love when I didn't even care enough to find a solution to our problems, and would instead offer him cold shoulders and the silent treatment. I never said what I really wanted to say because I was afraid the lie would be revealed: I don't really love you; I'm just afraid of being alone.
"...Some love is just a lie of the mind..."
There were days I would convince myself that I was in the wrong 100%- I was being a total bitch to a man who, instead of leaving me high and dry when I found out I was pregnant, took care of me and the baby like he was supposed to. Put his plans on hold to do so. Was mopping floors of the very campus center where he used to hang with friends just to put food on our table. Had to swallow his pride so we could afford diapers.
"...I'm sure you're aware love, We've both had our share of believing too long, When the whole situation was wrong..."
With time to reflect on that whole debacle of a relationship and its effect on my subsequent relationships I realized that I put too much importance on what HE thought of me and what I thought of HIM and not what WE thought of OURSELVES. And when I think of the self-esteem issues we both brought to the table and took away with us when it was all over, I knew that it all boiled down to trust.
"...Some love is just a lie of the soul..."
I mean, isn't low self-esteem just not trusting in your god-given worth? Never trusting that you're good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough, SMART enough, funny enough and just ENOUGH enough for the person you're with? Never trusting that you have the qualities to keep someone interested in you in the long run?
It has taken a bunch of years to be able to say this out loud, but when I say I have trust issues, it doesn't mean I don't trust in YOU. It means I don't trust in ME.
But I promise, I'm working on it...
*smooches...thanking Billy Joel for the strength to come clean*
----------
the sad part is this extends into my professional life, too. why do you think my thesis remains unfinished? stories remain unsent?
but I'm working on that, too. Promise!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
7 comments:
OOOHHHH this is a lot of real right this minute for me
Oh the self worth in a "relationship" thing.. this is oh-so-much
not used to seeing the softer, lovable side of Raq. Smells like love is in the air. lol
i think you could ask 10 people about love and you'd really get 30 different answers. love is something that you'll know when you see it. i can't explain why...but you will.
@12kyle You don't smell NOTHING! That's my girl knocking down her own walls, dammit! Why can't you just let a chick be vulnerable? Dayum!
@The Jaded Nyer That's some real talk for yo' ass! In spite of my better judgement, I'm gonna agree with that ol' nasty BULLdog, Kyle. It's different things to different people. I'll take it a step further, though you'll get a lot of different answers one thing you'll keep coming back to is we all want and want to give it.
Though we can't articulate it, it's perhaps the most involuntary thing we can do. Think about it, babies come in as blank slates. Yet, they come into this world knowing how to love and how to receive it. Watch a newborn with his mother and observe how he looks at her and how he reacts. He can't articulate it, but he can feel it. Just like us.
Feelings aren't meant to be described, only felt and nothing else. Why do you think so many writers are drunks and drug addicts and flat out crazy? We get frustrated tryna put feelings into words! Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.
It's uncontrollable and the sooner we realize that, the better off we'll be. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my room to stare at the damn wall because love has bitten a chunk outta my ass and I gotta figure out how not to go through this shit again.
GOOD DAY!
*whispers* Sorry about the post in your comments!
@qucifer- I know... Wednesday isn't supposed to be this serious. I apologize LOL
@12kyle- ain't no damn love in the air, fool! this post has been in drafts for like a year...sheesh!
@smarty- thanks for having my back!
and you know how my brain works... I NEED to be able to put everything into words otherwise the world just isn't spinning right. And yes, I do realize that I will eventually go mad from this...
Feels like you've been walking around in my head. I just had a very long conversation with a friend of mine about this very issue. I'm still trying to figure out exactly where my trust issues sit, but I'm about where you are.
It takes a lot of courage to be this honest w/ yourself (much less: the world!) and this clearly indicates that you are quite capable of doing just that...keep it up: if you are consistently honest with yourself, then you WILL start to trust that you are making decisions in your best interest and not out of a need for anything other than your pure happiness. Keep up the good work...
hmm funny its been in draft for a year and made its appearance NOW!
Your new softer side and the honesty with yourself is refreshing. Keep going, its only a matter of time before you become unstoppable in life and LOVE!
Post a Comment