(The 5th and final installation in the Jaded Depression series. Hope I gave you enough information for the final. Bring a #2 pencil...)
"You don't know what you got 'til it's gone."
Ain't that the damn truth?
You know what I used to have that helped keep my depression to a minimum, made things better, provided comfort so that I can have the peace of mind to fix shit?
Grandma.
And I didn't realize it until she was gone.
With her I had a place to rest my head and cry when I needed it. A place to hide from the world uninterrupted for as long as I needed in order to regroup. She left me alone but not really, because I knew at any moment I could just go up to her and get a hug- no questions asked- and she'd smell like agua florida and it was all I needed sometimes.
I don't have any semblance of that these days because she's gone, Mami is not that kind of mom and Papi is all the way in Santo Domingo and the last thing I want to do is worry him by saying "no" when he asks me if I'm OK.
Did I decide this is what I needed in order to feel better only because I cannot have it? That is a possibility. But I can honestly pinpoint the demise of my psyche to the very month she got on that plane to move back to the Dominican Republic. As if I knew it was the last time I would see her alive.
And that my life as I knew it was over.
I don't know how to fix that, or if it's even fixable.
*smooches...unsure of where to go from here*
----------
except to immerse myself in more words... offline.
(and PS- it really doesn't help that as I was writing this, Pandora decided to play The Beatles' Yesterday, Kool & the Gang's Cherish, No Doubts' Running and Hector Lavoe's Todo Tiene Su Final back to back. Knife... heart... deep...)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
I already said my peace on twitter. and I feel your pain each time you bring up your grandma... But you know she wouldn't want you to feel this way. Her time on this earth was to protect you, and make sure you could stand on your own. She did that now Stand up for her if not for yourself!
hmmm was able to hold it together all evening but this post took me over the edge. your words will get you far. i love you and i know i can't fix anything but know that i am proud of you and so is grandma. Know that you have people to depend on and lean on, as did Grandma. Think where she would have been without the support of others, especially Papi. As I tear up, know that i support you 100% always...that is all.
~M
In every word you write, online and off, you are getting stronger. You, ma'am have been BLESSED and CURSED with the talent to put your feelings into words and for that is the main reason you haven't been carted off to Bellvue.
A grandmother's love and support can never be replaced. But you have all the respect, support and love you need in your surviving family members and your friends.
Keep writing and you will no doubt keep healing.
Chin up, chica! Stay tuned, it gets better!
You know I can relate. I was incredibly close to my grandmother and there has definitely been a void since she passed, almost 5 years ago. But you know what she gave me? Strength in abundance. Seems like your grammie gave you the same thing.
Keep your head up missy. She's looking down on you smiling.
Post a Comment