(Part 2 of 5 in the Jaded Depression series...)
I'd like to think I'm pretty tough, with thick skin to protect me from any attacks coming my way. That's what I'd LIKE to think. That's what I tell myself and anyone who'll listen.
The fact is, I'm just a girl. I small, scared, insecure, lonely sad little girl, and a lot of things hurt me; wound me deeply.
Of course, I use my pride as a shield, full body armor, and no one knows how much I cry because of these wounds. I take up after my Mami that way- I'll shrug it off, flick my hand at it all and say, "whatever."
But what I'm really saying is "I've been hit, man down, call 911."
I won't complain, though, and I won't bring it up. I'll play the martyr (and the victim... Maybe I suffer from Munchausen by Proxy?) and chalk it up to life experience, live and learn and all that good shit. And just drown myself in the one thing that will never let me down.
Words.
Which is the only way that you are now able to know that I am a small, scared, insecure, lonely sad little girl. Because I used my words to tell you so.
But I don't just surround myself with my own words; many times, in fact, 85% of the time, I'll immerse myself in Ani DiFranco's words. Or Stephen King's words. Or Pablo Neruda's words. Or, as you read yesterday, John Cusack's words.
I don't care to speak these words out loud. Rarely if ever will you hear from my lips: I need help, I don't know what to do. Because saying them makes them too real. Oh, but writing them or reading them, well, that's just therapy. That's just art- subjective by definition, and therefore not real.
So for today I will use my words to say this...
I'm hurting. It HURTS to be me most days. It hurts to smile pretty for the camera and it hurts to laugh and breathe and be.
Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have some words waiting for me somewhere else.
*smooches...filling my void with GNR words tonight*
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Axl's voice and Slash's guitar riffs will get me through...
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11 comments:
It takes a big little woman to admit this even on paper or the blogosphere. Whether you wanna hear it or not, you're on your way to healing.
You've articulated your feelings, which means you've admitted them and now you have to come up with an action plan. The good news is, you will.
You're strong, you're resilient and DAMMIT you're gonna get through this if I gotta make a week-long appearance in Brooklyn my damn self!
It's a process, boo, and you gotta go through the motions and the E-motions. To paraphrase Public Enemy, "Sistas Gonna Work It Out!"
I'm here (well, in NC) if you need me.
I'm sending you a big hug girl. Truly, I have no doubt that although you appreciate all the encouragement from the people who love/care about you, that's not why you are letting it all out. You are doing it for you, and that's important. So for that, I'll smile when I think of you trying to fight this bastard called depression. Kick it's ass ma, even if it kicks your ass a little or a lot. Don't stop, do whatever it takes, pull all punches, fight dirty, have no mercy. Love you Rock! I'm not experienced in brawlin' but I can help you jump a m-fer if need be. Plus I know people,lol.
Your not just a girl. You dont get to where you are by being just that.
wow, i woke up this morning feeling kind of blu but hell, i went to bed feeling it to. I thought about how I need to vent, admit that I am human & not Super Woman because I was/am at my breaking point. But then I decided against it because I didn't want to admit that...I cry& hurt too. But your post made me realize that's it's ok not to be Super Woman. That just being a girl is ok.
~A~
I agree with Smarty (she's come by that name honestly) that admitting it is the first step to figuring it out and healing. And I think Evy said it best when she told you to fight dirty. I love that! Totally fight dirty. Do whatever it takes, including not letting this take you over so you're suffering in silence. And remember, the louder you are, the more we stand by with our cans of whoop-ass, ready to get your back.
Kinda long time reader, first time poster here:
This entry took soooooooooo much courage (to admit to yourself THEN to share with the world-OMG!!!) I hope that you know that. And as someone said, you are well on your way to healing.
Hugs,
L.
I feel you on the words not being real bit. They are therapeutic indeed. It's curious that this is a 5-part series ... as if it's already penned, or somehow already exists in the recesses of your mind ... or maybe there's something to the number 5. I don't know.
And you're right - in the 15+ years I've known you ... once, only once, have I heard you say you needed help. One time in 5,500 days of knowing you.
You just go one releasing the stress from within through your words ... it will leave through the words and I'm praying it never comes back!
Pretty brave, me, not so much and I think that's why i have trouble writing for my blog...don't want anyone to know anything about me...I can write up politics, education and be funny all day, but revealing the real "me" is not something i've been able to do. "Cheers!" to hoping you find the pain relief which you seek...
awww man, this post reminds me of that AWESOME madonna song "what it feels like for a girl"
pleeeeeeeeeease listen to it!!!
i was trying to post it the other day but youtube was being a dickmunch
but of course only US girls know what its like, to have to be strong, and pretty, and vulnerable, and feminine...to just be accepted...
blows, but i wouldnt trade it for anything.
love ya girlie.
Thank you all for the encouraging words. I'm getting "there" I promise...
I applaud you for this. It's admirable to put yourself out there like this, and at the same time, help out all the other women that live with the same girl inside them. I admit to feeling this way - ALOT. Just keep on...keep on striving, keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving, keep smiling when you come thru & cry when you need to.
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