I suppose now I'm in that stage of grief known as anger because I had this urge to yell & inflict pain like I hadn't in a very long time.
I wanted to give the whole world the finger and yell FUCK YOU to everyone and everything. And after I was through with my tantrum I wanted to be left the fuck alone... can the world do me that little favor? Stop calling me? Talking to me? Looking my way? Asking me questions? Placing things on my desk? I'm just too angry to deal right now and I can't be responsible for the damage I'll leave behind in the wake of my wrath.
I wanted to be angry at my family, friends, my neighbors, the guy who owns the deli by the train station, just everybody. But honestly, I'm just angry at myself.
Suicide, Raquel? Really? Is that what's hot on the streets? Are you really that stupid and selfish and weak and useless? Really? In that case HERE... here's the knife. DO IT! And not across like a punk ass bitch but straight down the middle like you mean it. No? THEN SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND MAN UP!!!
So many things went through my head as I lay on the couch ignoring life. Things like how embarrassed I am about how I've behaved in the past few months. And fear that this "down cycle" won't see an "up" anytime soon and will only deteriorate into a situation I will no longer be able to control.
Then I thought- Will I pass out in the street and be discovered of all my self-destruction? Are they going to take my kids away because of this? Are they going to stick me somewhere and force me to take pills when my whole adult life has been about avoiding western medicine?
Are my demons too strong to fight? Do they outnumber me? Why am I here, when so many others more worthy have had to die?
And I think I've let you all believe that I'm falling apart over a man that I barely knew because it seemed easier to use him as a scapegoat for what's really wrong. What I haven't told you is that even before this "relationship" fell apart I was already silently losing it because I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent this month, or the next month, or the next month. And I haven't told you that I get calls and letters everyday from angry bill collectors that I cannot appease.
And that, on top of all this stress, I had a crisis of conscious recently when I had to admit to myself: I'm not agnostic because agnostics still believe in a higher power. I've considered myself agnostic since the mid-90s as I transitioned from Catholic to civilian. But I have to tell you, I don't feel the presence of ANY higher power anymore- not the Universe, not Mother Nature, nothing. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the word "atheist" reared it's ugly head... and let me tell you, it's such a dark and lonely feeling.
I kept playing this part and smiling and always answering with, "I'm okay" when I really wasn't. Then it was like the Perfect Storm of shit that could go wrong: job loss, dumped, no god to pray to. It's a wonder I'm still able to tie my shoelaces.
I guess, I just don't want anyone thinking I'd fall apart so easily over love gone wrong. There were many more serious things in the works and I hadn't chose to share it before out of pride and embarrassment, and I didn't want the Jesus Freaks to come out of hiding and try and "save" me.
It's just really hard to find a place in this world when there's nothing for your soul to hold on to.
I envy those of you with steadfast faith...disposable income...someone to hold you at night...
*smooches...losing myself in the 1990's*
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because honestly, only angry white boys speak to my pain right now
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6 comments:
Well well well
Hmmm...
I could unload an entire bushel of crap on you right now, but they'd just be words. And unless you are ready to listen, I mean really listen, then they'd be useless words.
When I was there, deep down there, I didn't want to listen to anyone. I just wanted to wallow in my own displeasure. So, to that I leave you. You're not weak enough to commit suicide. I know that enough about you. You would NEVER do that to the girls.
So, I am going to leave you with your own displeasure. Wallow in it, smell it, feel it. But soon, and I mean very soon, you are going to need to stand on your own two feet and take command of your life. Cause self-pity is not a good bedfellow to lay with for long. Have the affair, but you are gonna have to dump it and soon.
wallowing? I didn't think I was wallowing and certainly didn't mean to paint that picture.
You asked for real emotions last week and this is it- what my brain vomited onto the keyboard, the things that are upsetting me (or rather that I can't seem to stop letting upset me) and driving me insane. I cannot shut up The Voices in my head that put these things in there for more than 5-10 minutes at a time.
And I know I'd never actually go through with suicide; it's just that this is the first time EVER that the thought really ever entered my mind and that shit was scary as hell b/c I NEVER EVER EVER thought I would EVER get to that point.
But I guess it's true that you should never say never, huh?
At the very least it's made me stop talking shit about other people who have had suicidal thoughts... no more judgments from me... nosireebob!
It's good to vomit...it gets all the bad stuff out! Personally, I think you need to vomit until there is nothing left. Purge that shit! And then when there is nothing left, you fill that nothing with good stuff.
I'm might have to have a bitch-slapping fest with those voices. There time has come to an end. I'm writing up their eviction notices as soon and I finish typing this.
um... I'm kinda scared of you right now...
The Voices should be terrified. It was all fun and games when their anger and insanity was addressed to others, but now they are messing with my friend and I cannot allowed that. They better not make me come over there.
I've always found it hard to show my weaknesses when I'm feeling, well, the weakest. It's easy to lean on someone and accept their shoulder when I know, in my heart of hearts, that I can pick my head up off that shoulder at any time. But, when I really need the help and support? When I really don't think I could ever pick my head up once it's on your shoulder? That's when I find myself loathsome and weak and ridiculous for not having the strength to stand on my own two feet.
From all that I've learned about you, from all that I've read in your words, you don't fall apart so easily ... be it from love gone wrong, life beating you down, obstacles in your path. I understand how much it hurts to show your soft underbelly but I'm glad you are and I hope you know just how many of us are out here waiting and willing to do what we can to help you through this ... and just how many of us out there (me included) can empathize with you because, in one way or another, we've been there too.
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