Welcome to my teeny tiny rebirth as a private citizen.
I have to admit- as much as it feels incredibly liberating it's also a little sad. But no looking back now so lets get on with the show.
Ever since my divorce summer has been particularly hard for me, because it leaves me with entirely too much time on my hands. This summer I'm only freelancing 3 days a week at the office so imagine all the idleness going on in my life right now!
Technically I'm supposed to be writing, looking for work, cleaning my apartment, applying for any and every social program available to my financially-challenged ass but no, mostly when I'm here I'm hunting for stuff to watch online, igniting IM affairs with dudes younger than Mari (ego stroking, you know?) and laying around, living in a movie I like to call "Sad and Sadder" starring me and The Voices.
But it's not 100% sucky. I've realized a few essential things about myself and others, have had amazing heart-to-heart with the most amazing friends a girl could have (Jack & L... you're both PRICELESS to me) and realized that no matter how unloved I feel it's not the truth.
Because Sunday when I left my kids in NJ with Mami N cried, and yesterday K called to say she had a bad dream that Manhattan was under siege again and that she couldn't get in touch with me to see if I was alright, and she broke down on the phone.
So fuck all those hos that made me cry and hurt and upset and doubt my worth, because there are at least two little girls who consider me the center of their universe.
And if I didn't think I had a reason to even exist in the last few weeks (yes, it did get that bad... I'm good at hiding it, no?), I just found one.
*smooches...for giving me another reason to want oxygen in my lungs*
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and for that I'm giving you a tiny gift in the form of a cliche, a lesson I learned the hard way: All that glitters isn't gold. use it wisely, grasshopper!
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11 comments:
When am I going to get the chance to corrupt your kids so they aren't so soft.....lolololol
j/k
anywho... I am still mad at you for letting the naysayers steal your joy and we shall fight next time I see you. And I shall tweet as thejadednyer
and that is all.
I feel you
sometimes, our children become such a part of our lives that we forget about our identity. I am thankful for my wife who has to remind me that our children don't have to sleep in our bed and that we need some time to ourselves.
While away, i forgot how used to being around my children I was and actually didn't sleep while in DC. I might have accumulated close to 14 hours of sleep a week. Not healthy at all
Sometimes we need more than the love of our children to make us feel alive. I understand.
Thanks for letting me in to your private blog
Rockzilla,
I love you girl. And I hope you know that more people than just your daughters love you. You are loved girlie. Now we have to work on you loving yourself big time! You are too precious to go unappreciated by yourself. And none of that silly, placating, "yeah, that's right I'm the bomb" type nonsense. I mean REAL love. God-type love that you must feel for you. So you can heal then love others back. Thanks for allowing me to share in your lifes ups and downs through this blog. I feel privileged
Hugs chica,
Ev
I'm not sure I understand Omi's response to this post - I think it's a pivilege to be able to love my kids and make them the center of my life. Now, that's not to say that I think parents need to forego their OWN lives, but that our lives are better when centered on our children. Their love is unconditional in a world replete with conditions.
You know what this post tells me? It's that you are doing things right when it comes to your role as mom. You succeed as a mother - you hear me? That's not to say that we're immune to those moments when we TOTALLY understand why some animals eat their young ... it means you're raising girls that won't end up on Maury or in front of some TV judge on display for the world to see. You, my dear, are loved profoundly by them girls ... and you, my dear, FEEL love profoundly FOR them.
Every other joy in my life pales in comparison to the joy my children bring me. Every tear I've shed for ANYTHING else in my life pales in comparison to tears I've shed for my children.
It thrills me to know that when it seems there is no other reason to go on, your children are enough. You are a GREAT mom.
Thanks for the invitation. I almost had a heart attack when I found out that your blog was closed. But I'm ok now.
Kids are the best. The unconditional love is what keeps us going.
Remember that tough times don't laugh. Tough people do. Weather the storm. You'll be ok.
*wonders who I need to fire for sending Eb an invite to the blog*
LMAO!!
Girl I know I let my joy be stolen; I'm working thru it. Gimme time. If you still wanna fight, then *sigh* BRING IT! lol
@omi- why OF COURSE you'd be here, man... where else? I still need you for Monday Musings when we come back in September- better than ever, right?
@evy- you know how it is... you're caught up in your own shit sometimes that you just get confused and don't know who's in your corner anymore. But I never had doubts about you, hon. You're one of my oldest and dearest friends and I'll never forget that!
@jack- did the hissy fit I threw on the phone the other night not suffice? you want me to cry AGAIN? don't make me remove your ass from here...HMPH!
@12kyle- thanks love... and sorry for the scare lol
Friends are supposed to be there to make you feel better. That's their job.
And what does it say that my daughter wants nothing to do with me?
@irene- awww, Olivia is still in her selfish toddler phase... she does want you, trust me!
I am sad that you closed your twitter account but as I said in the numerous emails (when the hell do I work?) I understand and respect your need to reclaim yourself anyway you feel necessary.
Those two little girls are just as lucky to have you as you are to have them. And though it won't seem like it in a few years to you, you'll always be their SUN and center of the universe. So you never have to feel alone or unloved.
Not to mention you know me, EB and Tiff will be all up in YOUR FACE SON!
I wish you the best on this journey.
@the f$%k it list- all up in my face, tho? really? lol
I just wanted writhe on the floor in support--I mean, share the love. I read through your blog archives during sleepless nights a looonnng time ago and I felt a connection. (Gemini-ness? Maybe I'm just being silly, but I did feel a connection)
Love you (and your peasnrice recipe!)
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