*sigh*
Well, whattaya know, I'm still depressed! Go figure... but I'm trying to keep busy so that I don't end up soliciting any more one night stands off Craigslist (don't judge me, monkey). Like volunteering and shit busy (maybe this week), spending time with friends busy (I'll try and get to that real soon) and making sure I get out of the house for at least an hour a day busy (well, I'm going to work... does that count?). Maybe some day soon I may even get myself to a gym. I hear those endorphins are real good at getting the brain to act right.
In the meantime, this is what's what:
1- I re-activated my Twitter account but am using it sparingly. I felt like I had been gone forever but according to my last update it was only 12 days since I'd logged on. Either way I whittled my followers down to about 15 and am following about 25. It feels a little better. Maybe in the next few weeks I'll feel well enough to start posting on a regular basis. Tell no one. The blog, however, will remain on lock-down indefinitely.
2- I've lost like 10lbs. Yup- from 185 to 176 in just one swift breakup/breakdown. Depression kinda suits me. Now my clothes fit better. Still, as I write this my stomach is grumbling like a BIYOTCH but I don't think I'll feed it for another 30mins. Do I have an eating disorder? Of course I do! My life is out of control so this is how I gain it back, blah blah blah... yeah, I saw that movie, too. But I know what I'm doing so shut the fuck up. Am I just saying all that to justify an eating disorder? You bet your ass I am.
3- I want you to understand... I'm not sad because he dumped me. It's not about him... it's never about the dude. Even in '06 when I took to my bed for a week after that Guyanese bastard dumped me it wasn't about him. It's about no longer feeling special, important, pretty, etc. Add that to my already crumbling psyche due to serious financial troubles and this is the result. It's about being knocked off a pedestal by the very people who put you there. I don't do well with that. Now I know how has-been actors & musicians feel when the fans stop caring about them. *Remind me to look up Corey Haim and give him a hug.
4- It turns out I can't go home this summer after all and that just made me sink into a deeper hole of sadness and self-destruction. I wanted to lay on that beach and release all this pent up SOMETHING. I wanted to visit Grandma and make my peace with her. I wanted to have a dangerous liaison with a DominiCOON thug to boost my ego. But alas... it's not looking good. I need to make some serious money like NOW. But do you realize how hard it is to drum up new business when you barely have the energy to get out of bed and breathe?
5- I lied. I am sad because he dumped me. And not so much because it means no great love affair, but because I also lost what I thought was blossoming into a cool friendship. It wasn't all kissy-face n shit- that's only what you saw or heard about because that's what people chose to photograph and talk about. But when it was just the two of us we had many great laughs about simple, ordinary things that had nothing to do with nakedness. Or at least I thought so. Maybe I misjudged the whole thing. But either way, I miss his laugh and it hurts to think that he doesn't miss mine. It hurts a lot.
*smooches...wanting so badly to feel better but not even coming close*
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and I apologize for being a pansy-ass'd weak little sniveling girl about this. I promise that I'm trying to get better. I'm even contemplating dusting off my bike. Of course, that would mean I'd have to eat more than 500 calories a day...
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12 comments:
No need to apologize. I think we all have to have our "pansy assed" moments. We all have to have our low and weak moments in order to appreciate our high and strong moments even more.
And I've seen your high and strong moments here. I've heard that "don't eff with me" growl in your voice. It'll be there again soon.
Take care of yourself. Put yourself back on your own pedestal and screw anyone who wants to knock you off.
put myself on a pedestal? that would require self-esteem and confidence. but thanks for the kind words; they are nice to hear even if they don't sink in all the way :)
Girl, you should do a triathlon. That last bit of depression I had lingering is SOOO gone now, you have no idea. I feel so empowered and life is looking grand. You need to stop allowing others to value your life and start seeing the good in you. No one else can do it for you.
Argh...I am sounding life a self-help book. I need a drink.
We should hang out on Friday. How about a trip to Montauk? It's no DR, but hey...it's a beach. And remember, Celia will be here in a few weeks. We'll have to go up there and see Miss Eden.
Oh, see ya tonight. ~Yes, I will be there this time.
Montauk sounds like just what I need; if I'm not busy with the NY International Latino Film Festival count me in.
And yes, I'm counting down to Celia's return up north, too.
Honey, AIn't NOBODY knocked you off MY pedestal *huggies*
Q, darling, and you know the feeling is mutual!
come out saturday for my bday. he'll be there. maybe you guys can go somewhere, talk, and figure out what went wrong/rekindle things.
it's not like no one wants to be around you. i feel like a bugbaboo ex boyfriend with the constant txting to confirm plans that you said yes to.
be around ppl that care about you. being sad is okay. STAYING sad is not.
Karrie, hon I think you are awesome but the thing that went wrong is that he told me in no uncertain terms that he was through. Why would I subject myself to more humiliation?
and he's not the only thing that has me down; there are so many things going on right now that I can't even explain... it just all came to a head all at once and I'm struggling to deal.
And you could never be a bugaboo, darling, and I appreciate you checking in. Never feel bad about caring; that's what makes you special.
I really would rather not ruin your bday with my drama. It should be a fun time for you so please drink and be merry without a care in the world. I'll be fine.
I don't think you were weak and sniveling in this post, I just think you were honest and the only thing that WILL come of that is happiness.
As for missing him, that's normal. His reaction..... you already know how I feel about that and if you don't then I'll put it in email.
I know you want to be in DR to make peace with your Grandmother and it will happen soon. In the meantime make peace with her in your heart. She's not in DR, she's with you every day, in every word that you write. And she wants you to be happy and that's all.
*cyber hug*
PS I'm headed out to Long Beach last week of the month, you in?
Well, it goes without saying, I think your a bundle of supreme awesomeness. Make no apologies for what you're going through. Having gone through my own break up fairly recently, I relate so much to what you're saying. It's frikkin' hard. But we're entirely too fabulous to get down on ourselves! xo
@the f$%k it list- long beach sounds nice; I might have the babies but either way, I'm in
@bangs and a bun- thanks for that; I need to work on believing deep down inside that I am too fabulous, because that's the heart of the problem right there- I hear it but I don't believe it. Ugh... my brain annoys me
Hell don't I always have my baby with me, ha. So I'll let you know the plans and how its going down.
As for your brain, you are the master of it so start believing your own hype darling because you are MARVELOUS!
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