Those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook are probably tired of me singing the praises of the film Adam (read my Jaded Review here), but I have to mention it one more time because it inspired this blog post. Bear with me, OK?
So I'm watching Adam (after Nina & I got rained out of our reggae beach party plans... Damn You, New England weather!) and without spoiling too much of the film for you, one character discovers that the person they admired the most is a fraud. But not so much a fraud as much as they are flawed.
This made me think about something my mom told me once about Grandma during one of her many, "Let's Kill Raquel's Self-Esteem & Sense of Worth" sessions. Mami said that Grandma, upon learning that Mami was pregnant, kicked her out of the house and disowned her, that everyone wanted her to NOT have me (including herself, remember? From Monday's post?). And when she first said that to me it stung real bad. Grandma was my world; how could she not want me?
But as a kid (smart one that I was) I decided, you know what? Grandma has been nothing but AWESOME to me. Whatever happened then happened between the two of them and it's none of my business. Grandma remained steadily perched on her pedestal.
Then there was the time I witness Papi beat the crap out of my uncle, whipped him like a slave LITERALLY, leaving huge welts on his back. Mind you, Papi hadn't (and still hasn't) ever raised his hand in anger or punishment against any of us girls (well, except Minnie & Nancy, but they were asking for it) so to watch him be so ruthless was a shock to my little brain. Again, however, I rationalized it- Perhaps my uncle did something so terrible that it warranted a whooping of that magnitude. Surely Papi wouldn't do that just for kicks?
So this begs the question: At what point do we see the people in our lives for who they really are rather than as how it best suits us? Is their image forever tarnished in our memories? Or do we love them regardless? Is it our place to forgive wrongs that had nothing to do with us? And how can we continue to worship these heroes, flaws and all? Or did I just answer my own questions right there?
*smooches...loving when a great movie inspires great debate*
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so speak on it people- what say you about tarnished heroes??
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3 comments:
When I was in fifth grade (my sister in third), my stepdad decided (and said) that we were getting too fat and it was time to start running. Every morning, at 5.30AM, we were dragged out of bed and made to run around St. John's. If we didn't run fast enough, he'd grab our hoods or threaten to spit on our heels. My reprieve from that finally came when I went to high school, when I could decide to either join a sports team or continue to get up running. I joined cross country faster than a one minute mile.
I would get an A; I was asked why I didn't get an A+. I would finish a half marathon, first in my age group because, well, there was no one else my age running; I was asked why I didn't get a faster time.
I spent high school striving to do better even though I always initially thought I was doing pretty well. I spent college fighting the demons that told me I was too fat, not smart enough, too slow, stupid ... pick a negative image and I had it.
I spent years pissed off and railing against every "suggestion" he had for what I could do better, wondering why I wasn't good enough. Not sure when or when but, through the years, I not only learned to accept that I am good enough ... for me, which is what matters most ... and that a lot of his mannerisms/pushing/striving for perfection (whatever you want to call it) stemmed from his own childhood and an abusive father.
In whatever weird way, my stepdad was just trying to do what he thought best. I still don't think he realizes just how much trauma he put me through. But I do know that he loves me and is proud of me and couldn't ask for a better daughter ... because he tells me every chance he can get ... and because I've accepted myself for who I am and so has he.
You have answered your own questions. And you don't worship heroes, you don't idolize them, you use them as examples on how and in some cases, how not to live you life of the person you are to become.
As we grow, we take pieces of every person who had a hand in raising us. More often than not, we take away things like how they treated us, how they acted in front of us and you form your own opinions of them and in some cases mimic their behavior.
In other cases, you do whatever is in your power to NOT become that person or those people you've seen or who had a hand in raising you.
Now, your heroes may or may not have hand in raising you, but the best way to not have them tarnished or knocked from their pedestals is to not polish 'em or put them on some 'holier than thou' perch. At the end of the day, they're just people and we all do some fucked up shit.
I recently had to deal with that shit with the men in my life who have been awesome to me. I found out that there hasn't been a single man in my family for three generations who has ever been faithful to his wife. How's that for disappointment?
I had one uncle in particular who could be called my favorite who was just my dude. The sun rose and set on his ass for me. He worked hard, sometimes two and three jobs, to support his disabled wife, she has Lupus, her mother who has Alzheimer's, their daughter and her three daughters that aren't his.
He was there for me whenever I needed him. He was home every night, helping out in the house when he was there. Just seemingly a very stand up kinda dude.
It broke my heart when I SAW he was cheating on his wife. Because then it became an issue, not only about him cheating, but about him lying. Then I started thinking, how many times has he lied to me?
Now, after a lengthy thought process behind this, I concluded, his lying, cheating, sneaky ass ways have not changed the kinda man he was to me. I just can't trust him. *shrugs*
"I am my own superhero"
That's what you need to remember.
People are human and do (and say) things they shouldn't, but that's life. And sometimes those things can go against what we believe in.
Like Smarty said, you use these bad things as a lesson of what NOT to do in life.
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