In the book, obviously Van Helsing is talking about looking for that dastardly count, but for me it meant something else. I mean, I'm reading this book, right? And these men + Mina Harker are determined to rid the world of Count Dracula in memory of dear, sweet Lucy, whose soul almost didn't make it to the pearly gates. And it made me think- would I work that hard to find anything for anyone, ever? And THAT made me think- the only thing I want to find that badly is whatever it is that makes me feel, well, for lack of a better word, bad.
So some of you know that a while back I watched (and re-watched) this film on Netflix, Something is Killing Tate, and it hit kinda close to home; so much so that every time I watched it I always walked away from it with something new (you can read my Jaded Movie Review here).
Basically the lead character, Tate, is depressed and suicidal (sound familiar?) and during the course of the film has to face his demons or lose his will to live for good. After about the third or fourth time watching it, I came to the conclusion that Tate and I had the same problem:
I'm not sure I know how to love or be loved or show love or allow love into my life. Not for real anyway. I know how to go through the motions and say all the right things at the right time to feign love. But real love? What the hell does that even mean?
And you all know this to be FACT because I've said so, on this very blog, MANY, MANY times. Hell, I even got this nifty T-Shirt to prove it:
You know what else I concluded? How hard have I been fighting against the cliche that part of the reason I'm fucked up is because my father abandoned me, only to find that goddamn it, it's true?
How many times do I need to fall apart and become self-destructive after things blow up in my face before I accept the fact that William R Penzo did have a huge impact on my life, the likes of which not even Papi's love and guidance could protect me from?
And how long before I admit that all I ever wanted was for him to want to be in my life? To want to be my dad? To want ME? Like for real, people, WHY DOESN'T HE WANT ME?
To add insult to a hurt little girl's injury, (and here's where I reveal something that would probably make my mom disown me, again) do you know that when I was younger, my mother told me she didn't want to go through with the pregnancy but didn't have a choice and HAD TO have me? What did she think that would do to me? Why would you ever tell a little girl- who doesn't even have a daddy's love- that you didn't want to give birth to her? Who does that?
It's no wonder I'm a fucking mess of a human being.
And I'm not here to villainize (yeah, I made up that word. AND?) anyone or point fingers. Everything happens for a reason, and William and Mami must've had their reasons for doing what they did. And along the way I made certain choices down the path of no good that I could've avoided and blamed it on my fucked up childhood so I'm not all innocent.
But still, I really just had to stop lying to myself and admit that YES- what happened to me as a child affected who I became as an adult. All the blame is not mine, only about 65% of it. Because how can one be expected to make the right decisions when one isn't armed with the right tools in order to do so?
Good thing for me I'm soooo self-aware, and still young enough to try and repair the damage (how's THAT for a backdoor compliment, huh?). Do I look forward to confronting my parents? Um, hello... did I not mention that they're DOMINICAN? I fully expect a chancleta across the face for even bringing it up. But still... shit needs to be said. I'm just saying...
In the film, Tate gets to speak to his younger self; what I wouldn't give for one more shot at mine. I feel so mad and useless because I couldn't protect Little Raquel from all this and make her life better.
*smooches...vowing not to watch that film again for at least a year or two*
----------
it's almost like I was looking for a reason to drink the Windex...
Posts
6 comments:
Locaaaaaaaaa! Saying you're not going to watch that is like saying I'll do myself a favor and NOT watch Carlito again for a year or two and you KNOW how I feel about favors!
I'm glad you've found out that you're not superwoman and you're damn right your parentals had a reason for doing what they did. It's made you who you are, dammit! And in spite of your self-loathing and all that other negative self-shit, remember you're a damn good person - for the most part - and all of your life experiences have seen to that.
Remember that it's a parents job to fuck up their kids so that they can correct those mistakes and make it better for the next batch. Nobody will ever get it right, that's why we keep procreating. When people finally get it right, that when this whole God-forsaken place will burst into flames and exist no more.
So, until then, all you or anyone else can do is play the hand you're dealt and succeed in life in spite of the shit that other people put you through. You've got a story to tell and dammit if you don't write it, when I get to Brooklyn, I'm gonna tie your ass up and make you tell me so I can write it!
You've written a letter to your younger self and you were able to address some of the things that you were dealing with at that moment. Hell write more of them until you can feel better. It what we have to do, because you know COLORED folks don't do therapy.
So watch the damn movie if you want, what's it gonna hurt? It might even give you the courage you need to make those confrontations. Well, that and a couple shots of Mr. Daniels. Either way, do what you feel you need to.
2 years, 6 months ago...
That's exactly when I can to the same realization. No one wants to be a cliche but cliches are cliches because they are usually true.
Now that you have that realization, what are you going to do with it?
Your whole paragraph about not being sure if you know how to love or be loved struck such a chord with me. I swear I have had those same thoughts more often than not these past couple of years.
Both of my fathers were physically abused growing up. My stepdad left home at a younger age than most. My dad was six feet by the time he was in sixth grade and he fought back. Both dealt with what they were given in very different ways, chose different paths and different ways to deal. Either of them could have fallen into the cycle, following in the paths laid out for them by the father figures in their lives. Neither of them would hurt a fly and, thankfully, grew up to be very loving men.
I gotta agree with Smarty ... it's up to you to play the hand you're dealt. You have realized your issues, which is the first step. Now how are you going to better yourself, step out of that cycle, and become the great woman you know is inside you and you know you can be?
Um, the three of you can just GO SOMEWHERE, ok?? I have to DO something now?? I only just got the courage to admit the problem!! Y'all are mean... I'm taking my toys and going home. HMPH!
(but seriously, I know I do have to take a "next step" I'm just unsure of what it will be. I'm kinda stuck between "I WANT A GODDAMNED EXPLANATION" and "maybe ignorance is bliss" know what I mean?)
Maybe the best thing to do right now is just absorb. You've come a long way in just being able to acknowledge the influence and admit that you're seeing a pattern that you don't want to repeat.
Personally? This is where I do what my family calls plodding. I take my own sweet time to absorb, think, ruminate, plan, and figure out all my options for moving forward.
Who says you have to do something right now? Don't put any more pressure on yourself than is already there.
Sadly, an answer is not necessarily going to help you.
You may have to learn to accept things as they are and move ahead. It took a long time for me to accept that my mother's inability to love me was not my fault. It's all on her. You can't look for an explanation that won't be there. Some people aren't meant to be parents.
The key is how are you going to live your life now? What legacy do you want to leave for your daughters?
Post a Comment