Imagine everything is cool one minute and the next, just like that, it's not. Or you have a dumb fight and then the other party involved drops dead. Or you're the Queen of Jaded-ville but allow your armor to be removed by someone you think is worthy and right when the last piece is ready to come off... KABOOM! IN YO FACE! GOTCHA, BITCH! And for what seems no good reason.
I know people will advise you to just go through it, feel it and then kindly let it go because it's out of your control. But sometimes I wonder if maybe those same people don't understand that the NOT letting go is also out of your control. Like, it's out of your control that watching a particular TV show will remind you of that person you lost. Or listening to a particular song. Or seeing a certain photo. Or spending time with a mutual friend or family member. How does one control those involuntary moments of woe that appear just when you could have SWORN you were at peace with your loss? Especially if they INSIST on popping in uninvited?
There is this strong desire to sit this "lost" person down and say everything you never got to say (I love you more than life itself), ask the questions you never got to ask (what did I do to make you change your mind about us?) and do the things you never got to do (throw a stiff drink in your face). Even after you've told yourself to let it go, those things linger in the back of your mind waiting for a trigger to allow them to resurface.
I have so many unfinished relationships in my 34 years. So many that I could be laughing one minute, all carefree and happy, and then fall into a fit of tears the very next minute at the overwhelming-ness of it all. It's like watching a TV show that was canceled before any of the major storylines were resolved. Or reading a great mystery novel all the way through, only to find that the last 50 pages are missing. FROM EVERY COPY EVER PRINTED.
Sometimes I wish it were enough to write it out. I wish I could just take one blog post and write:
I'm sorry I never called you back because you were my world and I was too selfish and stupid to see it.
and
I really liked you and was so hurt that you could so easily toss me aside with no real explanation as to why.
and
I don't understand what brand of asshole you'd have to be to do that shit to me and think it would be OK.
But even that would not be enough. None of it will ever be enough. My problem has always been that I want more than can ever be mine. Even if I had my second chance with my unfinished relationships I would still want more.
The only thing that helps keep me going, helping me to try and avoid the darkness I keep falling into, is the slap in the face from Mammy's (AKA Hattie McDaniel) words: wantin' ain't gettin'. So maybe I should just focus on being happy.
One of these days I'll learn to let you all go...
*smooches...with so much more to say to so many people*
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but what's the point? none of them will ever get to read this. *sigh*
ps- new show is on the player... listen to it; t'was a good time!
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17 comments:
*sigh* This is more relevant to me today than you even know.
I feel ya my friend, I feel ya.
"wantin' ain't gettin'" thanks I'ma use that.
yeah I would love to see how that last one in red plays out
bwhahahahaahahahaha
but yeah we cant even get a double date from a site that shall remain nameless so I def am on give it up mode...
we'll just forget about men and have a hot, lesbian affair... See you tonight...lololol
The girls can have 2 mommies ha!
let me stop... this is recorded on the internet right? i dont want to be getting any offers from any real lesbians thinking I'm serious.
Gotta echo Bangs on this one. More relevant to me than I'd like to admit.
You have such a way with words. If there is so much more to say, say it. Write it down, get it off your heart and out of your soul and put it on paper. Maybe they'll never read it, maybe they will. But maybe putting it down in words will lighten your load even just a little.
i loved this post. like you said, the NOT letting go is also out of your control. you can choose not to express it, but the person's memory will forever stay with you, despite your attempts to push them away.
it's funny because I plan to do a post on closure this week!
Can it be that you and I think alike?
SCARY
if you really and truly love someone then you have to ask yourself - is there anything to be gained through closure? or what is defined as closure? true love never dies, meaning its bigger than closure...
on another note, i've missed you ... good to see that you're still blogging.
@bangs- honey that's why I'm here... to help us ALL get through it, over it, under it whatever... just OUT of our system!
@super dave- I say it to my kids all the time; they HATE it LOL
@eb- you're not allowed to be one of the mommies because you like to encourage Ns foolishness too much... BANNED!!! lol
@kelly- you're right, I should write it out, but I think I'll just put it in a journal first and then see if I want it released in these interwebs!
@bloggal- yes it's the MEMORIES that kill me, and the things attached to that person! My instinct is always to just runaway to a place that holds no memory of that person, but I wonder if that would even help?
@12kyle- YES! My evil plan to take over your brain is WORKING! hahahahaha
@don? HUH? Well look at what the muthafuckin cat dragged in... enjoy your trip to outer-space? *side eye*
oh, my bad. i thought you wanted to engage in an intelligent discussion about closure.
and where the fugg is BAM?
@don- NAH, SON! you can't just stroll in here after 3trillion years of being gone and try to jump in on the convo. you know how I roll.
we can take this offline...
RE: Bam... you've been gone a while; she closed up shop to create/write an anonymous blog and changed cities. See what happens when you don't keep in touch w/people?
wow @ you came with the ruffneck edged and somewhat intimidating new york slang @ NAH, SON!
offline ... cool, cause i've been scanning your post and maybe it's me but i'm seriously trippin' on the 'gentle breeze' post. sigh @ nothing being sacred anymore.
and it must've been 'ratings sweeps week or something' when you came with the skin post? i'm just saying...
BAM did what? um, do you know how to get in touch with her? she has something very important to me ... like, my blog password. lol.
p.s. whateverhappened to welcome back, don. then again, you have always acted funny when you are around your "friends."
*shrugs*
I swear this fool must've forgot who I be...
Don't let me have to call Jack up in here!
anyways, yeah- hit me up offline; I know how to get in touch with her
rpenzo@thejadednyer.net
you might have to call jack in here, cause i just happen to be looking over your blog page you know it has been awhile...and you even took my link down? lol. too funny.
wow @ you being much nicer when you thought i was dead.
Is this really happening?!?!
Mira Don - I've NEVER known her to act differently in front of her friends than she does in front of her non-friends. Our 20 year friendship trumps your short stint as peeps. So callate.
To answer your first ridiculous response - even if it's true love, there's TONS to gain through closure. It's liberating to remember your past relationships and not actually have those ill feelings of regret. You can look back on things fondly at least ... because by virtue of needing closure it is indeed something in the past to be looked back upon. So why not look back without ill feelings or ill will?
Jaded - you can't turn off the memories or the songs/people/places that trigger memories of your past ... but closure is about not wilding out about it/them when that happens. But you have to make a commitment to letting it go. Sometimes we are willfully holding on to the past and may not even know it ...
... you know, like when it's proven by your revisiting old blogs and starting to comment like you never left and then complaining that you're being ADDRESSED like you *have* been absent. Tell-tale sign right there.
.. and who keeps a live link to a dead blog, anyway?!?
ugh.
point well articulated and receieved jack.
i wholeheartedly agree with your comment on closure. in fact, i personally sought closure over a past relationship that left me feeling as though my nine years were in complete vain.
and just the thought or feelings that could have been gained by being given that closure would have made a world of a difference - especially considering the fact that i now live, or have learned to live with regrets. enjoyed your
response.
the comment made towards her acting funny when she's around her friends was a joke, simple and plain. nothing more, nothing less. of course.
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