I can't seem to get it together. It's been a month with this new schedule and still I struggle to balance my two measly clients, my two daughters, friends, family and sleep. I keep telling myself to take care of me and finish what I need to finish but when faced with the task I cave like a poorly built house of cards.
There's so much I want to do. Some will say to "prioritize" but how do I do that when everything seems important? I've put so many things off that they're all important by now; they all require immediate attention... They all require 100% of me.
And so many of my immediate goals are dependent on this schedule of mine getting its shit together. I want to get more sleep. I want to spend quality time with the babies. I want to volunteer in my old neighborhood. I want to finish this MFA (DUE MONDAY, by the way!!) and then apply to graduate school for my next academic endeavor. I want to teach the babies Spanish. I want to enroll N in basketball and have time to take her to games and coach her. I want to take K to all the Broadway shows that interest her. I want to help Mami with her house.
I want all this and fun times, romance, additional avenues of income, a bigger apartment and most importantly- time to take a breath and enjoy my life.
But here I am- 3 days late on a work deadline, two weeks behind on my paper grading, 3 years late on my thesis and about 20 years behind on a good night's sleep, and all I manage to do regularly is blog and watch ER.
And then this morning N is all, "you promised to teach me Spanish, and when I ask you you always say 'tomorrow' and then tomorrow you never do it." That just broke my heart! I don't like to break a promise, especially to my kids. Yet here I am, breaking promises left and right. Late on deadlines. Failing miserably at the most basic of tasks. Ruining my credibility on both the personal and professional level.
Maybe this is just the PMS talking (actually I'm pretty sure it is) but I'm feeling that "find a hole to crawl into it and stay there" feeling. Hopefully that hole won't have anyone depending on me for anything.
*smooches...bracing myself for a rough 5 days*
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And I know I'm being a whiny baby but whatever... it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to, whine if I want to, whine if I want to...
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9 comments:
I am with you with the busyness. Like it is insane on my front too. But on the people you love, you have to give. If it is important for you to do it, just make it manageable. Give Naomi two phrases per day that she can use and she will be satisfied. With everything find resources to make it less stressful on you. Find her an online tutorial while you work on your thesis. Multitask effectively. I am preaching to myself right now too ;-)
How about cutting out the crap: like the chaperoning on trips. Come on now! Leave that shit to the SAHM who gossip. You have a career to think of and there is no need for that time wasting venture.
I mean, how much time did you spend on that today? And that time could have been spent doing....
thanks mama; I think it's hereditary... mom passed on this DO EVERYTHING gene to us and now we don't know how to relax and only take on what we can handle at one time. UGH!
@irene- I don't consider the chaperoning a waste of time but it is my last one for a bit. It's important to N so I did it for her. She understands, though, that it's my last one until the spring. C does it on occasion, too. You'll see... they give you those puppy dog eyes and you can't help but volunteer!
Jaded, please get out of my head - the first two paragraphs are my life at the moment. I could easily slip into the mode where I don't workout, stay up late and generally make myself ill trying to make everyone happy. But I won't do it. Life is full of disappointments, and a few people are just going to have to deal with it until I get out from under.
*Sits stubbornly in corner*
Well, you can't do it all. So, when you miss deadlines or break plans, who are you really disappointing?
If you find a hole big enough, can I crawl in too? Just for the next three or four days, til my bitchy Aunt Flo leaves me in peace for another month? I'll bring the chocolate. I'm sure the massive bag I bought for trick or treaters will be enough to feed everyone.
If you take away the kids and replace them with a poodle and a shih-tzu mix, then everything else applies to me as well.
YOU CAN DO ITTTTT! (If you don't remember that commercial, I will tweet you the link)
What grad school field are you thinking about?
@tyrone- it's hard to rey and stop being a people pleaser... good luck with that. And when you find the solution let me know, too!
@irene- I mainly disappoint myself... and we already know I care very little about myself. Hmmm... maybe that's what needs work? lol
@kelly- there's plenty room for you AND the chocolate you speak of!
@gem- PLEASE don't send me any links... your links frighten me!
I'm thinking of the Comparative Literature program at CUNY: http://web.gc.cuny.edu/Complit/ they have a Master's and PhD program. At first I was toying with going back to the sciences or engineering... ahhh who am I kidding, I still am! CURSES! This liberal arts education is KILLING me!
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