I hate being sad. I especially hate it when I'm sad and I don't know why. Even more so when I do know why and am too sad to do anything about it.
At those moments being under the covers is all I have the strength to do. Smiling hurts; laughing becomes such a chore; life as I know it manifests as a burden I need to let go of.
Sometimes I wonder how I got this way. Was I a sad baby? Or did it begin later in life- middle school? Adolescence? In my 20s? What is lacking in my life that makes me go from having a good time with friends to complete and total darkness in 2.3 seconds flat?
I had such a good Thanksgiving week- I had my writing workshop on Monday, hung out with Irene and Olivia on Tuesday, happy hour with the ladies on Wednesday, dinner with my family on Thursday, Eden's first birthday in Nyack on Friday, more fun with the ladies on Saturday, which also included a good-night kiss from a certain suitor, and it all ended with brunch on Sunday with the ladies and wine & football with an old friend.
Why so sad? Where, in all of that, does sadness fit in? How did that dark cloud creep in unnoticed? Was I too busy laughing and having a good time to notice that it was there all along? Was the entire week just a distraction from the cloud that, in fact, never crept in unnoticed but rather, has been with me forever?
And more importantly, why won't it leave me alone?
*smooches...begging for this cup to pass from me*
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I don't think I'm strong enough to bear it.
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6 comments:
Sadness is almost never anything but a form of fatigue. ~Andre Gide
Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~Jonatan Mårtensson
Sadness flowers to the next renewing joy. ~Jareb Teague
Whenever a friend of mine comes off a nice, long holiday or a really good visit with a friend, he gets depressed. He hates that "back to reality" crap that we all have to face after so much fun and time off. It weighs him down so heavy that you can see the struggle to just live and be sometimes.
What you're describing sounds an awful lot like that. What have you been thinking about in your sadness? Where does your mind go? Where do your thoughts and dreams go? That could help you figure out where some of this sadness is coming from.
Reading this just depressed me, man. I'm buying you a Cymbalta.
:-( I'm sorry you're feeling so malcontent. Big Puerto-Rican hug!
It's a bitch. I wonder sometimes if it's the price we pay for our talent.
I know so many writers who, for whatever reason, spend more time being depressed than they do anything.
I just want a medium, it doesn't even have to be happy, can the bitch just be content? Is that too much to ask?
You have a lot going on in your life right now which is part of the why you have been so sad, but the other part is that you won't get out of your own head. Thinking about how unhappy you are isn't going to make things happier its going to send you down the sliding board of depression. Overthinking every aspect of your life is not a good thing.
And yes Smarty I've heard the malarkey about writers and their need to overthink but that's not working for you so its time to try something new.
Ladies- thanks for the comments. I try not to get too deep in it, but you know, I have a lot of time on my hands now what with the unemployment and whatnot. And now the sun ditches me at 5PM...it's no wonder I'm sad.
I'll be alright...promise!
Sad be chasing me and trying to tackle me and shit too. And sometimes I just get tired of running and I let sad get me. And then I let sad have its way with me ... and then I start running again.
It's really not unlike the suitors I keep around just for sex. They always like me more than I like them too.
It's just another thing we have in common.
The sad thing, that is ... the sad thing.
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