Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 1

"I'm throwing myself a pity party and I need for there to be penis in the goody bags."

*smooches...truly amazed at the conversations to which I'm privy*
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my life is seriously better than TV sometimes!

"I Would Wait Forever For Those Lips Of Wine..."

I had a little Come To Jesus meeting with myself the other day as I found myself in the throws of yet another major crush: I will most likely not pursue this man because I've already created a whole relationship with him in my mind. And when I do that, the real life whatever that we embark on never works.

I know, I know, "If you think it and speak it it will be," so I should stop being so negative, but I'm speaking from experience. The thing is, I don't trust myself or what I'm feeling for him. Is it really him I like, or the him in my head that I've molded and perfected? Because you know...we've already dated in real life and it didn't work out.

Yet- his arms, his embrace, it's still familiar to me. I remember the chill up my spine when we used to kiss. Somedays I thought I could honestly spend hours upon hours getting lost in his eyes. And that smile...it always made me smile. But of course that's the romanticized version of what we once had, right? It's not what's happening today, right?

This attraction is residual. It has to be. Like the aftershock of an earthquake. (too soon?)

However, I cannot deny that he has been the star of all my dreams lately, and I truly understand the lyrics to Fergie's "Clumsy" now because that's how I feel around him. I really don't know what to do with myself.

I suppose that's what's really bothering me- how out of my control this whole thing is. If he called me RIGHT NOW and asked me out I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. I'd fall right back into what we once had as if we hadn't missed a beat. The proverbial ball is in his proverbial court and that bothers me.

Of course it's all so stupid because we're different people now...what could I possibly love about him except for what I've created in my head? Do we even like the same things anymore? Do we share political views? What is his position on machete violence and Buffalo wings?

And most importantly- will he be able to tolerate The Voices and rub my tummy through countless mini-marathons of Buffy or Degrassi or Sex and the City when Lady Estrogen wields her wrath upon my uterus? Will he do this for me? Will he be that for me? The him in my head does and is; I like him a lot. But I'm so scared- YES, me, scared- to find out that the real him, flesh and bone him would rather play Madden on his XBox all night instead.

These days, I've been sleeping more than I've been doing anything else because that's where he and I are together, all smiles and butterflies and music crescendos. It's a good place. Unhealthy as fuck, but good.

Lord, but if he makes that first move, though, I'm afraid of what I'll let myself do just to be able to sit in those arms, kiss those lips and stare into those eyes for hours upon hours with a stupid ol' smile on my face. Sheeeeeiiiiiittttt...I might even let that fool convince me to- NOPE. I won't say/write it. It's too dangerous to even speak its name.

I'll let Andy say it for me...



*smooches...filled with angst, confusion and longing. as usual*
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one day there will be no doubt...one day... won't that be something?

Google Reader Stole Me Away From You

Want to know why I hardly comment on your blog anymore?

In an effort to consolidate my time online I began adding RSS Feeds to my Google Reader- it's a one-stop-shop of blog reading! However, it doesn't allow for commenting. I have to visit the actual blog for that. And for my lazy ass, sometimes that's one step too many.

Some of you are completely obnoxious with it and force me to click on your blog by only allowing snippets of what you've written in the Reader (BOOOO) but most of you understand how busy we all are and let me read the entire post. And for that I thank you.

The rest of you are just selfish!

That said, if you're reading my blog via some sort of RSS feed, know that I allow my entire blog post to appear on those things because I never want you to feel obligated to come here and comment, and I don't run this blog for profit so the amount of visits I get doesn't phase me. Feel free to come and go, or not, as you please.

**THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE JADED NYER**

*smooches...looking for ways to streamline my emails next*
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I already use labels and filters in Gmail... any other suggestions?

Things I Have To Remind Myself Of (part three)

It's not HIM you miss, it's the way he made you feel about yourself.

-Rebecca, one of The Voices

*smooches...practicing a little preemptive advice-giving*
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I'm not missing anyone right now...just tryna make sure I don't take it there. I know me; I'll be upset about ONE thing, and it will quickly spiral into being upset about a bunch of other, unrelated things.

Hall & Oates, I Love You, But Sitcho Ass Down...And Other Musings

Happy Rainy Monday, my good people. How you be? Me? Eh...still tempting fate by not taking care of some shit I need to take care of, but if I actually took some initiative I wouldn't be me- know what I'm sayin?

Lets get on with the show!

Bloggers Brunching...And At The Bar!
Mi hermano, Brother Omi himself, alerted me that he will be in the NY next month, so you know what that means, right? PAR-TAY! And you're all invited so save the date.

Although I don't really have a date in mind yet it will be on a weekend so that we can take advantage of one of the many "unlimited mimosa" brunch specials all over NYC. So save one of your weekends. And expect lots of drinking. I mean, not to feed the stereotype or anything, but we ARE Dominican. We like to drink. Deal!

Me Playing Sports = Hilarity Waiting To Happen
I need some help with a project I have in mind involving me + sports. Some of you play sports, or know people who are athletes. Well I need you to introduce me to these athletes for a mockumentary-type project I have in mind. I already have a baseball pro helping me, but I need a swimmer, soccer player, football player (preferable a sexy one...ROAR), golf pro (NOT Tiger...EWWWWWW), etc etc. Any and every sport you can think of- if you know someone who plays it I want to know them!

Send all information to: rpenzo@thejadednyer.net

And I hope I don't need to tell you fools that they need to be in the NYC metropolitan area, okay?

Hall & Oates, I Love You, But Sitcho Ass Down
Did you know that Hall & Oates were nominated for a Grammy for Sara Smile, a song that was first released 20 million years ago? Now, I like the song and them white boys as much as the next person but WTF? So yeah, we're talking Grammys tonight on Monday Musings because of that bullshit right there.



Smarty P. Jones is co-hosting, which should make for an interesting show since we ain't even talking right now *rolls eyes* But whatever...show must go on...

And make sure you visit www.Grammy.com to get a list of the nominees so you can clown them, too!

You're Coming To My Reading, RIGHT?
I really hate to threaten, coerce and strong arm, but Lady Estrogen LOVES it.



So make sure you're there- front and center and on time!



And The Best Text Message Of The Month Award Goes To...
JACK, of course, for sending me this tidbit after the umpteenth time of him suffering sympathy PMS symptoms with me:

JACK: I ABHOR your cycle. Can we get you a hysterectomy?

If only it were that easy, my friend...if only...

*smooches...hoping Jack doesn't go postal when I go through "the change"*
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I really can't help it if I'm the dominant bitch in this relationship...

Reason #35,438 Why I Love NYC

I was invited by the lovely Eb the Celeb to see Timbaland at the Filmore, courtesy of her good friend Daniel (who happens to be a beast on keyboards) and guess what? I also get to see Miss Keri Baby, Lil Kim, Petey Pablo and even that jackass bane of my existence, Sean Combs.

And in case I wasn't already aware, Timbaland is a crazy talented beat maker. That shit was dope as motherfucking hell!

AND when he asked is Brooklyn in the house, you know we were like 80 percent of the crowd, right?

"Put ya lightahs up!"



See why YOU should move HERE?

(You can click here to read Eb's write-up on the show)

*smooches...in love with NYC all over again*
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so what's so good about YOUR city, huh??

Philanthropically Speaking

It seems like every year or two there is a devastating natural disaster that calls on those who have to open their hearts and, if they can and want, give to those who have not.

And I don't say that to trivialize any of the recent events that have taken hundreds of thousands of lives and created who knows how many orphans and homeless families. I just want you to re-read that first sentence again, especially the part that says "if they can and want."

Why do I call that part out? Because I've noticed a particularly distasteful trend on Twitter, FB and blogland of guilting or shaming people into donating money to various charities aiding the Haitian people.

I am absolutely of the belief that once I "make it" I should give back and pull up my brothers and sisters still in the struggle. Sometimes you'll hear me say that when my media empire blows up I'm bringing you with me, and I mean that. And I also have a list of charities near and dear to my heart that will receive annual donations, grants and/or endowments from me and the media empire, above and beyond whatever it is I do, or don't do for them now.

You won't see me list them or call them out, though, because I am also of the belief that philanthropy is a personal, private matter. Whom I give to and how much I give is none of anybody's business, except maybe Uncle Sam (that nosy, greedy motherfucker!) and my Mami (who will be in charge of my loot) and my lawyers/estate planners/beneficiaries.

The rest of you can STEP w/the guilt trips and obnoxious GIVE NOW tweets and status messages. If you gave, that's awesome. Beautiful. Haiti needs more people like you right now and from now on. Does that mean you can rub it in others' faces, like those somma-time Catholics that LIVE for Ash Wednesday so that they can flaunt their "faith" to the outside world? Please. I hope not.

Last week while on the phone with Nina I said I wouldn't write about this tragedy in Ayiti because it's a personal matter, and I didn't feel that I had to share anything about it with you. Especially what, if anything, I've done to help my people across that 193 mile border. You don't know me like that. Yeah, you read this blog and I pour about 85% of my real life onto this site for your reading pleasure, but please don't ever mistake it for KNOWING. ME. LIKE. THAT. I would never presume the same about you.

But the reason for this rant (because you know I always have a reason) is that yesterday someone made a snide comment asking why was Oprah Winfrey concerned w/what Wyclef Jean was donating to Haiti when she has enough money and should be giving, too. It struck a nerve because what AUDACITY to tell someone what to do with their own hard-earned money. How do we know what Ms. Winfrey has or hasn't done for Haitian relief efforts, and why does she have to, AND why is it our business, just because she isn't screaming it from the mountaintops? Fall back, SON!

YES what happened, and its aftermath, is HORRIBLE, and this country, these people, those BABIES, need help from wherever it may come. But getting all high and mighty, holier-than-thou with other people's wallets? Who the fuck are you?

Listen, give, don't give. Help, don't help. Just do what your conscious is comfortable with, not what a somma-timer says you should do. Chances are in a month, many of these same people will forget that Haiti even exists. Just like they forgot about Louisiana, and just like they forgot about those areas near the Indian Ocean.

*hops off soapbox and throws it at Twitter*

And another thing: don't EVER, IN YOUR LIFE, tell me what to do. EVER.

*smooches...especially after the tongue lashing I just gave you*
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only a small part of this was directed at one person so don't try to start no online beef...it's something that has been bothering me since the 13th and I've tried to hold it in but yesterday, man, a spark was lit and I couldn't find my fire extinguisher...

Today I Will (1/20/10)

(The history behind these activities can be found here, and if you click here you will see all the previous posts I wrote on them. Thank you to Irene for having the forethought to buy me this book for blog material.)

Activity #6: Today I will start a weekly Gratitude Journal.

The idea behind this is rather simple and seems like it could really be helpful, especially for someone like me who enjoys sitting and stewing in the midst of everything that is wrong in my life. This exercise asks you to, on a weekly basis, write down all of the things for which you are grateful. It could be something as little as "The pizza I ordered was just right," or as big as "I got that job I really wanted/needed."

By the end of the week, you will be surprised at how many gratifying experiences you had. Or at least that's the claim.

So here is my list as of Wednesday. It's the only one I will make public, just to get you started:

This week, I am grateful...

...that my bestie was able to fly out from Cali for her birthday, because I hadn't seen her in a whole year

...for McAfee and it's ability to put whatever virus attacked my computer in its place

...to all the people who hounded me about backing up my C-drive, which I did last month; it kept me from falling apart when my computer died

...for the YUMMY food I ate over the weekend: turkey chili from the Tick Tock Diner; shrimp mofongo from Sofritos; popcorn shrimp at the Gotham Comedy Club; Atomic Wings; pizza from the Penn Station terminal down by the LIRR; and empanadas from Empanada Mama's

...for good friends, new and old, who come to my aid whenever I call

*smooches...also grateful for you guys, my loyal readers*
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at this point y'all are like my family, and seeing as we're family expect me to drop my kids off at your door for free babysitting services, mmkay? Thanks!

Things I Have To Remind Myself Of (The Sequel)

This is not happening to you, it's coming from you.

-Will McCormack, "Dirt"

*smooches...reminding myself to stay positive*
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but it's hard out here for a P.I.M.P., especially one with no hos!

Things I Have To Remind Myself Of

Look around you, see this? This is the world, join it! Stop swimming around in your own mind. That is a dangerous neighborhood that you should not go into alone.

-Donal Logue, Just Like Heaven

*smooches...trying to avoid the moody blues*
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I just gotta remind myself I always get like this after I've had a really good time. It shall pass...

Just So That Pat Is Clear On The Facts...

THIS:

is not what a deal with the devil looks like.

THIS IS:

*smooches...wondering what Depp's terms are in his contract*
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seriously- dude does not age. I'm concerned. And just a tad jealous.

All Kinds Of Minds Indeed

When I worked at the Waco School for Girls in Pottersville, New Jersey, the lunatic in charge head of school, David Koresh Jenifer, had all the faculty participate in some ol' bullshit this professional development program called All Kinds of Minds. This program was geared towards kids who were not succeeding in a traditional school environment (i.e. ALL of the girls at Waco) and the tools we as educators (and parents) needed to change all that.

At first I was all rolling my eyes and not in the mood to personalize all of my classroom lessons to 15 different learning styles. I mean really- if you can't learn the regular way then go work at McDonald's because every time I go there I have to wait all day for fresh fries so clearly they're understaffed! Haven't these people ever heard, the world needs ditch-diggers, too?

It wasn't until after I left that awful, horrible, no good place that I realized that program was onto something because I, too, have trouble succeeding academically in a traditional classroom setting. Not that I've ever been tested or diagnosed, but even with my little bit of teaching experience and my extensive background in being a student, I could tell the idea behind this program was not a sham.

Everyone does learn differently, and need different things to help them do well in school. Me, I'm what's considered a cross between a visual & interactive learner. This means my brain has trouble processing information that I hear, but if I'm shown this information in a hands-on way I'm able to grasp it better. The reason? My mind will hear something, and in that something one to two words will trigger a thought unrelated to what's going on and next thing you know it's been five minutes and I've missed everything you've just said.

Is there medication for this? Hell- they've got medication for the pins and needles you feel in your leg when you've been sitting on it too long, I'm super sure there are meds for this. But a better, drug-free solution, in my opinion, is to help a child learn in a fashion that their brain is able to handle. Is this costly and unavailable in many schools? Yes. Are there kids that genuinely need medication? Eh, maybe. My point is, there's an alternative.

As much as I LOATHED my time at Waco it really helped me when dealing with my own children, whether we're dealing with academic or behavioral matters. K seems to be rather auditory in her learning; I can tell her something, she'll say "got it" and keep it moving. N, on the other hand, seems to be more in tune with my style of learning where if you talk at her too much you will lose her. Even when I discipline her I keep my reprimands short, sweet, to the point and always try to preface it with "look at my face" and end it with "what did I just say?" (see, if you make them repeat it you can gauge if your point got across)

Why are we talking about this? Because some really nice people offered to talk me through my computer problems and I had to abruptly shut them down. Not because I'm a lazy ungrateful bitch but because you TELLING me how to fix my computer, short of saying "unplug it and start over" is not going to work and take twenty times as long than someone sitting at the desk, showing me how it needs to be fixed. Guaranteed I'll know how to fix it on my own from then on.

It's the basic "give the man a fish..." situation. Writing instructions, to my brain, is like giving me a fish. Coming over here and SHOWING me is, well, showing me how to fish. It may sound backwards to you, but I think we already knew that about my brain, no?

*smooches...for all those with special learning needs*
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part of being a great student is knowing your learning style and being vocal about it. It's the only way I was able to get through all the schooling I got through.

OH SNAP! look at me being all teacherly n shit! *poses*

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

PLEASE STAND BY

(If there are any computer experts who can PHYSICALLY come over here and fix my computer I'd be willing to barter with you- I can write, cook, clean, tutor, draw crazy stick figures and sing all the songs in West Side Story, Grease, Annie and Buffy, The Musical off-key.

PLEASE don't just offer ways I can fix it myself in the comments because that will anger me. I've already TRIED doing that. I need an expert. Who knows PCs. Thank you.)

*smooches...wondering who put this pox upon my house and why*
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I seriously have some sort of curse on me or something because everything, YES, EVERYTHING is turning to shit before my very eyes...is this because I promised not to make any Pope jokes in 2009 but did it anyway? *sigh* The Vatican is so freakin spiteful, shoooo!

My Five Year Plan Starts Now

I'm not a graphic designer, but I play one on-line. Especially when working on something to help propel my literary career forward.

Most of you already know: I, along with the women in my writers workshop, am hosting a reading of our works. We decided that it's time we stop squirreling away in our writer's cubbies and share our babies with the world. SCARY AS FUCK but a necessary evil when you're a writer. This is going to prepare us for allllll the readings we'll have to do when our novels make the New York Times Best Seller List, you know?

Now, organizing a reading is not as easy as I thought, but I'm getting through it. We invited some additional authors to join us, chose a theme (The Latino Family), named our group, the event and created a logo (for future branding, you know? Always gotta think five steps ahead..)



scouted and selected a location and then, of course, worked on advertising and marketing it. Not the glamorous side of things but you know what? You can't build a house without first digging that hole in the ground for the foundation and getting some dirt under your nails.

And after a lot of sleepless nights and countless emails, I can proudly announce:


(ps- this here flier took 3yrs and a day to make. Why? Because the original scroll wasn't that pretty shade of lavender. But in my head, nothing but lavender would do. And this scroll was the perfect size, design, etc. So YES, I sat and enlarged the image so that I could shade in every motherfucking pixel. That I did.)

This has been a long time coming. From the first time I chickened out of a reading at Wroxton during my graduate studies at Fairleigh Dickinson, I was determined not to let the same stage fright that ended my short-lived dance career bring an end to my Pulitzer dreams.

Am I scared shitless? For the love of Pete YESSSSS! I fully expect to throw up before I have to get up before that crowd, same as I did when I delivered my thesis and when I participated in that other reading last year. Oh, there will be vomit for sure so if you love me and you're planning to attend...bring me some Altoids.

*smooches...mad that The Voices let me go through with this*
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I've come to depend on those blockin'-ass-bitches to hold me back and all of a sudden they're in my ear talkin' bout: "So what's the theme for February's reading? And March? And are you going to launch that literary magazine or what?"

I hate them now more than ever...

The Return Of Monday Musings

Hey there, Hi there, Ho there...how was everyone's weekend? Mine? UGH, let's not go there. I'm trying HARD to forget it. Let's just say there was some yelling, some tears, some emotional eating, some inappropriate Blackberry Messenger conversations and a lot of time spent throwing shit out. Just a hot ghetto mess.

But for at least an hour this evening I get to pretend that everything is peachy-keen in my world for the 2010 premiere of Monday Musings! Tonight I'm unveiling a new segment, the Jaded Blogger Profile, and first up is my homie and yours, Eb the Celeb.



For those who don't know, Eb recently re-did her blog (www.EbtheCeleb.com) and is hosting two launch parties in NYC tomorrow night in its honor. She's also the brainchild behind Sista Sports, the very place where I drop some baseball science every now and again.

I urge you all to tune in, spread the word, and be prepared to call in with a plethora of questions for Eb about blogging, music, sports, her quest for a Winter Boo and/or her Something New and all manner of embarrassing insightful topics.

Of course, I also expect my chatroom regulars to be there, too, acting like straight fools as usual.

*smooches...happy for the distractions in my life*
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I need to work on not getting too bogged down in my problems; thank god for this blog and all that it entails for keeping me busy...

Blockage

I'm having a serious case of The Writer's Block (and yes, it's called THE Writer's Block, because when you put THE in front of an ailment it makes it that much more serious...which this just happens to be) both professionally and personally.

I've been writing for the same clients since 2006 and their message never changes- renew Indian Point's license; protect retiree pensions; blah blah motherfucking blah. It's so hard to find something new to say when THEY don't have anything new to say. I'm truly bored out of my mind with these clients and if they weren't my bread & butter...ugh...

And my stories...most of these I've been writing since 2000. TEN YEARS I've been dealing with these characters and their issues and quirks and they are just so annoying at this point I can barely breathe when I pick up my manuscript. BitchBooBye! (c) B. Scott

Even the blog has been somewhat of a burden lately. Let's just say that the things pressing on my mind I cannot/will not share on this site, and the stuff I CAN share is so blah I'd rather not bore you with it some days. Even writing THIS post took so much out of me.

So I decided to put those things aside this week and work on some new stuff. Just abandon the other words (not something I would recommend to other writers, tho) and just try my hand at some new characters. You know what happened? Those other bitches from the 10yr old story would not leave me alone! They were all, "So you're just gonna leave us here in limbo and not finish? Is that what's hot in the streets in 2010?" And they kept at it for days and days and days!

I thought I had them licked on Wednesday night as I feverishly worked on something new-ish (the skeleton for it visited me in 2006) until 5:00AM. But when I looked at what I had to show for my all night writing session I was truly disappointed to see I'd only amassed 2,000 words. WTMFF?!

Not to downplay 2,000 words or anything, but I was up all night. I really thought I'd have more to show for it. So I get it- the old stories want closure, and most likely they will not stop harassing me until they get some. GOT IT.

In the meantime, can someone send me a fresh batch of inspiration? I'd rather be homeless than not have something to write!

*smooches...wondering where my muse went*
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with my luck that heifer is on vacation somewhere warm, sipping fruity umbrella drinks and having all manner of explicit activities w/tanned buff Brazilian men. Bitch.

He Loves Me!

transcript of a text conversation I had with Jack yesterday...

JACK: Feliz dia de los Reyes! (what'd you buy me?)

ME: Myrrh

JACK: Bitch

*smooches...with myrrh*
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I could honestly fill a whole year of blogs on just mine & Jack's conversations...

Today I Will (1/06/10)

You remember the book Irene bought for me last summer, right? No? Click HERE to see what I'm talking about. Anyway, here's the next exercise on the list:

Activity #5: Today I will smile- even when I don't feel like it.

So according to this pocket guide to happiness, smiling releases endorphins, which are natural painkillers. It also suggests adding positive thinking behind the smile because some quack who did a study at Wake Forest University told them: "Positive expectations produced about a 28 percent decrease in pain ratings- equal to a shot of morphine."

*RECORD SCRATCH*

Say WORD?! A shot of morphine? So smiling + positive thinking is like having one of those little dials they give terminal patients at the hospital, you know, the ones that up their pain medication when it gets real bad? Wowwwww, learn something new everyday!

*smiles big*

And I always thought those annoyingly positive people were just crazy; come to find their addicted to morphine! It makes so much sense now...

*smooches...happy to have found a cheap substitute for crack*
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I was really feeling guilty about using my child support money to feed my drug addiction...now I can just smile real hard and get all the pain meds I want!

Side Hustle #552,892

I do many things well. Some I even get paid for.

[insert all manner of lewd, crude and tasteless jokes about me being in the sex trade industry here. Because y'all are so predictable!]

But some I do just for the satisfaction of being able to say I AM THE GREATEST or I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! One of my latest ventures in pro bono land, is offering El Generalissimo's services as a life coach.



WAIT- don't run away screaming just yet. I haven't finished my sales pitch!

*clears throat*

Have you ever felt like you didn't know what you were doing with your life and needed some guidance? Motivation? Tough love?

Then hire El Generalissimo as your life coach! With a firm, yet loving hand, El Generalissimo will help guide you towards your happiness journey. Specialties include:

>Helping you let go of all the bullshit negativity
>Unlocking all that god-damned potential within
>Learning to fuck w/out emotions build healthy relationships
>Stalking Attracting the man/woman of your dreams
>Putting the smack down on out of control blog visitors Improving your interpersonal skills

And most importantly, El Generalissimo can help motivate you to finish that to do list you've been ignoring. Whether it be painting the house or organizing the family photos or getting that damn dog to pee outside, El Generalissimo is here to help you achieve your goals.

Contact us NOW at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net, and we'll throw in El Generalissimo's patented Machete Seminars as a bonus. At these incredibly influential "talks" El Generalissimo will get to the bottom of WHY you're not fulfilling your life's dreams with juuuuuuust the proper nudge in the right direction.

BUT WAIT- THERE'S MORE! If you're among the first ten people to hire El Generalissimo, we'll also include a few one-on-one counseling sessions with Lady Estrogen, for that extra boost of confidence you need to make your life great.



You'd be CRAZY to let this opportunity pass you by...

So what are you waiting for?

GET OFF THE COUCH AND CONTACT
EL GENERALISSIMO NOW, CARAJO!!!!

*smooches...looking forward to helping you*
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operators are standing by...

and you can all thank Tyrone for giving me the idea :D

Back To Business; Not As Usual, Hopefully

Hello, dearies, and welcome once again to 2010. Y'all feeling alright? Everything copacetic in your Universe? Awesomeness. Me? Eh, I could be better. There's some shit that decided to fall on my lap during the holidays to fuck up my good cheer but I can deal with it. Let me correct that- I HAVE TO deal with it so don't worry your pretty little heads over it. I got this.

Actually I don't, but I'll figure it out. I always do.

Anyways, I wanted to bring a few things to your attention as you ease into your week:

1- Since the fall I've been writing some sports pieces over at Sista Sports; have you been reading them? If not, get on that pronto. I mainly write about beisbol and The Mets and what the FUCK is wrong with them...the usual stuff in my trademark Jaded tone. Besides, you know you can't get enough of me, so click on over there and check it out.

2- I was commissioned to do a little artwork for a fellow blogger and I'm rather proud of it. And he liked it so much he requested another one that I'm currently working on. You guys already know how EPIC my stick figure art is, and now the whole world will know, too. Well, at least his readership will know. And for the sake of my own ego I'm going to assume he has a wider audience. Take a peek on over to Throat Chop University and see for yourself.

3- A while back I mentioned launching a site publishing readers letters in the fashion of my "Letters I'll Never Send" posts and requested submissions from you guys. Well I'm not-so-happy to report that each and every one of you, except for Smarty Jones and Brother Omi, are a bunch of non-participating scaredy-cat smelly butts, and I'm almost through with the lot of you. Submit something NOW or we're going to have problems.

4- I've decided to extend my Monday Musings hiatus for another week. Simply put, I have some things to take care of this week and I made a promise to myself that in 2010 I will NOT over-schedule or over-commit myself for the sake of my mental health. While planning my TO DO list for this week, Monday Musings drew the short straw, so I will not be broadcasting until the 11th.

5- Speaking of Monday Musings, please make sure you've read Pet Sematary by January 18th so that you can join in on the Jaded Literary Moment on the air that night. Now, some of you have commented on me choosing a "genre" book but you know what? Stephen King is an awesome writer. I LOVE his work. If you have a problem with that...you know what you can do... *side eye*

Listen, I'm trying to get some stuff done here so just bear with me. I thought midnight would come on the 1st and my motivation would just kick in on its own and throw depression out on its ass and it didn't happen so I'm taking some steps. Just bear with me. And support my efforts, dammit!

*deep breaths*

My bad, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just frustrated. I appreciate your patronage and support, and hope you choose to continue to grace us with...oh fuck it! Even I don't buy it... SUPPORT MY EFFORTS, DAMMIT, or I will accidentally-on-purpose leave your name off my book release party's guest list.

*smooches...struggling to dive into this new year*
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I'll get stuff done; you'll see. you will ALL see.

Jaded Photographs 2010: January Edititon

Twenty-Six

*smooches...just for Mari on her birthday*
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everybody, you know what to do. Leave it in the comments!

And I Wonder Where I Get It From...

First-

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BITCHEZZZ!!!

I hope you all spent it with good people having a good time in a good (spiritual) place, and made it back home in one piece.

My initial New Year's Eve plans for the evening were very lofty: Netflix. Take out. Couch. There was also the possibility of a few parties throughout Brooklyn. But then Mami decided that no, we were going to my Tia Nancy's house to ring in the New Year and while I was iffy about it at first I'm sooooooo glad I went.

Tia Nancy is William R. Penzo's sister; she's older & has a different father which explains why she's the only one on that side of my family that I love- she's technically NOT a Penzo. So because she's not infected, err, does not have Penzo blood running through her veins her kids, by default, are also pretty cool. See, look at them:



Don't they look cool?? (Ignore the liquor bottles; they grew up in BedStuy then Brownsville- whattaya want?!) And PS- The boy cousin in the pic just had the CUTEST baby girl in October. I met her tonight. OH MY GOD I want to steal her so bad!

Anyway, so we get there and it's not the packed to the gills house party I remember Tia Nancy having back when I was a kid. It was just us, my grandmother, my cousins and their kids and my Uncle Dino. And I can't even get into Dino right now. He needs his OWN blog post. Let's just say that stories were circulating about him wearing rollers in his hair & tight shirts & roller skates in the streets of NYC. I won't elaborate past that.

Then Dino left with my grandmother because apparently William R. Penzo was hosting his OWN party out in Bushwick, so *WHEW* I was not going to have to see that man at all. All my fears of confrontations and awkwardness just disappeared. So then it was just us. And that's when the fun REALLY began.

When I say fun, I mean the STORIES: that my Penzo grandmother was "loose" when she was younger (8 kids by 3 different men, the last one being MARRIED...don't sleep on my grandma, y'all!) and my uncle's cheating ways; about my very gay cousin and his very in-denial mother; about the mental illness that's running rampantly unnoticed and undiagnosed in certain cousins; and my brother, who is shaking up with some cougar.

I tell you, I could not have written better shit than what I was privy to tonight- it was all comedy GOLD! Honestly, if I wanted to tell all these people's business and elaborate on everything that was said tonight, I'd have enough blog posts to last me through the end of March. Seriously. But I won't take it there...I think this snippet was enough.

The star of the show was definitely my cousin's husband, Moe. Yo, dude had me and my sister in TEARS the whole night! He's is crazy funny; I wish y'all could have experienced his nuttiness live and in person. Here's a glimpse of it:



Suffice it to say I gave my non-Penzo cousins my phone number. And who knows? I may even share this blog with them one day. Alls I know is I have to find something else to call them, because of everyone in that house tonight, I was the only real Penzo in attendance.

I'm still trying to decipher if that's a good or bad thing.

*smooches...ringing in the new year just right*
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only thing missing was my babies; they would have had a great time at Nancy's tonight :(