So...a few weeks have passed and I'm still obsessed with my crush and I've done very little about it because I really don't think it's real. Indulge me here people, while I explain a theory to you that Smarty and I came up with: I have a "thing" for "White Knights." This crush I developed? A result of being rescued in a time of need.
It's happened before. I've found myself in a bind, any bind, and the guy who ends up helping me out of it will most likely be co-starring in any number of my romantic fantasies. In them we have these happy lives where we do literary things, have a whole mess of kids, live in a fabulous brownstone in BK- the fantasy doesn't change, just the dude.
Therefore while I appreciate all of your kind, "Go for it, you never know" advice, I fear that I will always doubt my feelings for a man until I start to feel that way without a real reason. Did that make sense? Like, I need to feel those butterflies just because they're there and he's the bees knees, not because he swooped in and saved the day. He might as well have showed up in a firetruck in uniform and everything! I might've ended up pregnant that very night...
If I were in better financial standing and had my writing career where I wanted it to be and already lived in the home of my dreams...basically if I didn't NEED him, and still felt all smooshy inside, then dammit, that'd be my man and would absolutely pursue him. But as it stands my money is not just funny but freakin HILARIOUS and the Media Empire is still in its infancy. I'm too headstrong about my self-sufficiency to just let him be my for real Captain Save-A-Jaded.
I mean sure, when I hear from him my tummy does a loop-dee-loop. And sometimes I will stare at his pictures for no reason when I should be writing. And perhaps I admitted to Smarty that in my fantasies he and I don't even have sex and she said, "because you want something deeper and more intimate with him" and then I reached through BBM and slapped her down. None of it means I love him, so stop making assumptions.
Never mind that the thought of seeing him again sends me reeling because I need my hair, makeup, nails and outfit to be the perfect marriage of fabulosity and casualness, and therefore I have tiny panic attacks whenever I know he'll be around. Never mind all that, please, because never in my life- not since we last dated- have I been so freakin GIRLY! I usually go on dates wearing my blue suede Converse sneakers (somewhere in Leeds, Muireann sensed me writing that sentence and had a little heart attack) but with him, I want to be more, for lack of a better word, feminine.
Yet...I truly, madly, deeply think I only want him because he took pity on this crazy damsel in the middle of her woeful distress.
At least that's what I tell myself as I cower in the corner, too afraid to even speak to him.
*smooches...at peace with the fact that I'm a scaredy-cat*
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I still have my books to keep me company in my old age. And you guys. You'll never leave me, right? RIGHT?
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8 comments:
Heffa! I plan to leave you, for a little while at least. You already have two seedlings, I have yet to start.
According to scientific journals, I've got another two years before I lose 90 percent of my damn eggs, so ...
Then, I'll come back, y'know, after my kids are all potty trained and walking n shit.
But yea, um, you do want something deeper but you won't let yourself fall. I'm not even gonna comment on that because people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
I'm jus' saying, own up to it. Admit it. You can lie to me, just don't lie to yourself!
Smarty - hush. She was talking to the voices, not us. shhheeessshhh
"Captain Save-A-Jaded".
I Love it.
It's cool to hear you so vulnerable and girly about something like this. As you should be. But the fact that you stand your ground as far as what you don't want your fantasy to turn out to be behind the smoke and mirrors is gr8. It will keep you in the real world even when you're plugged into that Matrix of Crushing.
What Irene just said I say to myself all the time. I've realized, though, that it's not just talking to anyway, it's talking to THE boy, the crush, that specific piece of wonderfulness that sets your heart aflutter.
I can talk to boys just fine, even the cute ones. But, when it comes to the talks that are going to expose your soft underbelly and leave you vulnerable? I'd just as soon crawl back into my safe bed and deal with the two boys I can handle, my two cats.
I think it takes a strong woman to look inside and ask herself why she's falling for someone. I also find it quite admirable to want to be self sufficient, to not want to "need" before you want.
@smarty- I have nothing further to say to you
@jack- LMAO!! How did you know?
@malik16- I have to stay grounded...too afraid to fall to NOT stay grounded. Thanks for stopping through :D
@irene- YOU'RE MEAN! *sobs*
@kelly- you hit the nail on the head! I don't want to need him bc when the day comes that I can fulfill that need for myself he'll lose all his appeal. In fact, that's what happened with my marriage!
So I need to make sure that I want to be with him because of who he is and what we have together, not because he can fix something I can't.
And yes, I do realize I will have to speak with him in order to come to this conclusion *sigh*
Rizzo, it's good that you have given yourself such an introspective look. You absolutely don't want to find yourself hitched (in the general sense) to Cusack's replacement only because he provided you with a good listening ear and ice cream.
Now that you've done the self-study go ahead and open up to him AND YOURSELF a little more. It's okay to dip the big toe with the sparkly polish in the raging adult dating waters.
Err, you're damn right I had a heart attack.
I will fly to Brooklyn and bitch slap some sense into you before I ever let you wear blue suede motherbitchin' Converse on a date again. Those days are over chica.
Just take a moment to thank the big baby Jesus that you have me in your life.
*wanders away wondering how to burn all Footlockers to the ground*
@russ- How'd you know I was wearing sparkly nail polish?!
@bangs- I PROMISE not to wear them on a date ever again. In fact, ask the F$%k it list...last time we hung out I wore 4" heels!
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