You might find this hard to believe, but even a JadedNYer like myself is still amazed at people behaving like assholes. Yes, I know. Shocking.
But honestly, I don't see the point in that sort of behavior (anymore. Yes, I acknowledge that I was a total asshole to my ex-husband the whole time we lived on campus at Waco. I've already admitted to this. Why y'all gotta be bringing up old shit?! Dang! Can I live?!) And why anyone would choose to be that way.
I bring this up because it was brought to my attention that a guy I used to talk to is a complete asshole. This information was related to me by two different people, unrelated to me, him and each other, thousands of months apart. I can only assume it's true.
Except he was never an asshole to me. Well, maybe towards the end he was, but that's because it was ending, however during I can't say that I ever experienced any asshole tendencies from him. He was sweet, considerate, giving, fun- all that shit, so when these two people regaled me with their tales of his assholery I was honestly dumbfounded.
Especially because during a recent PMS week I found myself missing him, cyber-stalking him, wondering what went wrong and if it was salvageable. But just when Lady Estrogen was about to cry and get all swoony, El Generalissimo came thru with a vicious backhanded slap of reality for that ass:
"You don't want him back and you don't miss him. You just hate the thought that he's not after you. You are bothered by the fact that you can't flaunt a bigger, better, faster MORE you in his face. You want to stroll down BK with a lovely Rasta on your arm just to rub his nose in it. You want a lush and lavish writing career so you can pop bottles in his face. You only want to get in shape so he can see what he missed out on. You want all his friends to say, 'daaaaamn, son! You gave THAT up? Yo, you STUPID!'
"And you want to be able to walk up to him and smile and say hello and appear to be the bigger person. But you're not. You're petty and immature and quite bitter about the whole thing. You, my dear, don't want him. You want him to want you like the vain bitch you've always been. Snap out of it!"
In one wordy monologue of real talk and tough love, El Generalissimo enlightened me about why I'm not moving forward as much as I'd like; why I can't get rid of these last 10lbs; why my love life is still ghost: I'm still too concerned with what others will think and how they see me. Not just this dude but everybody. I thought I'd licked it but I didn't.
If I'm gonna get ahead it's gotta be for me. The weight? It won't leave til I love myself enough to make it leave. My aspirations have to be pure of heart or The Universe will just continue to shit all over me. I need to let go of MY inner asshole. Only then will I get all the good stuff I deserve!
In the meantime, tho, don't let me see that fool in the street *side eye* He WILL regret all manner of thangs. And that's some MO' truth for YOUR ass, from one Asshole to another *b-girl stance*
*smooches...trying my darndest to GROW UP*
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but it's hella hard, y'all... hella hard!
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6 comments:
"Nah, he don't deserve you ..." (c) Ludacris
Perfect song choice. Who amongst us hasn't dated an asshole or several? The thing is you have recognized it, addressed it and let it go. Now you're doing it to your inner asshole and that, ma'am, is commendable.
So many of us like to sit and act as if we are not at fault. You are taking responsibility and that is to be recognized, high-fived and "Mmhmm'd!"
I'm proud of you! You're a bag of awesome and the sooner you recognize that, the better off we'll all be.
*grooves to my theme song*
I second all of Smarty's comments. And, if she doesn't mind, am going to have to borrow "bag of awesome" at some point.
If I have mentioned it already, pardon the repeat ... I blame it on the number of head injuries I've had over the years ... but you should check out this book called How to Be Happy Without Being Perfect. It resonated so much with me.
I realized that, thankfully, it's not OCD just perfectionism that I'm dealing with ... that I've got a lot of cognitive redistribution to do ... that that cognitive redistribution is ridiculously helpful is calming my ass down ... and that I can he happy, I don't have to be perfect, and it's all up to me to make myself happy.
Everyone else can suck it. Hee hee! Ok, maybe not that harsh, but still ... I'm learning slowly but surely how to stop trying to make everyone else happy because this is my life and my happiness and my responsibility.
I can try to find you another copy or I'd be happy to lend you mine.
El Generalissimo would have made a great rap artist considering BK real talk state of mind and the b-girl stance and all.
Sounds like dude put it on you...
@smarty- leave it to you to continue quoting the song!!
@kelly- How to be Happy Without Being Perfect? Is that even possible? Just thinking about it upsets my OCD! lol
@jelani- what? it's true tho!
@don- sometimes I swear you don't really read what I wrote. No one "put it on me" my dear. I'm ego trippin' over here is all.
Sounds like a love jones to me, hence the "dude put it on you" remark @ Especially because during a recent PMS week I found myself missing him, cyber-stalking him, wondering what went wrong and if it was salvageable.
*sigh* okay, Don, you interpret this anyway you see fit. I suppose since you don't have all the info you can't really know the real deal, so I'll let you have this one. Peace.
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