I think I've been doing a pretty good job raising K & N almost-kinda by myself since I left their father in 2005. At first I was all, "What do y'all eat for breakfast?" and "Why are you waiting for ME to cook dinner?" but now we're pretty much comfortable in a chaotic routine that works for us.
There are a few things I wish were different, though, and never were they so evident and in my face than this weekend.
C went ahead and married his girlfriend in a private ceremony, and then called K to inform her. Yeah, go ahead and let that marinate for a minute...
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Right. K came out of her room and said, "Daddy just called. He and B got married this weekend," and then went back to her room. Needless to say I was seething, and began tallying up the million trillion ways he's been pissing me off all summer:
1- quitting his job w/out having a new job in place
2- moving in w/his fiance; a home w/no extra room for my daughters
3- mouthing off to me when I demanded he give me his DEFINITIVE plan for providing support and a place to live to my babies
4- making ME out to be the bad guy here for not understanding his decisions
5- marrying his fiance in a private ceremony that DID NOT INCLUDE HIS DAUGHTERS.
Of all the asinine moves he's made to date I take THAT ONE personally. So, what... my kids aren't good enough to be a part of your wedding? WHAT THE FUCK??? So I discussed it with a few people, just to gauge if maybe I was overreacting, as I'm wont to do. But everyone I mentioned it to was also pissed and disgusted. I was then ready to retaliate, but first I thought I'd check on my babies.
I asked K if she was alright with her dad getting married without her, and that's when she dropped the bomb on me: he'd already told her he was planning a small, private wedding in early July instead of the big wedding they had initially planned in September (one guess as to WHY!). K also informed me that when he told her she was very upset because she (and rightly so!) felt it was going to upstage her 15th birthday, and that's probably why he waited until the end of the month.
Then she uttered the words that really broke me, "I already talked about it with my friends and I'm over it."
Her friends?!?!?! What about ME?? Her MOM?????
It felt like she'd turned my own machete against me when she said that. What is it about me that she feels she can't come to me about this stuff? I was (and still am) so hurt by this slight that I really had to reflect on it that night. Clearly I dropped the ball along the way, but I don't know where and I don't know how to fix it. ME. El Generalissimo Mommy of Brooklyn. Having parenting problems.
Perhaps she thought I'd go off on her dad and was protecting him against my wrath? Or maybe I really am the LAST PERSON she'd ever confide in. I don't know. But during my self-reflection I decided that maybe I need to be more accessible to these girls. Be home more. Not so attached to my computer/blackberry/cellphone/iPod and spend some real time with them. Reinstate our family cooking nights and take more day trips with them. Just be PRESENT when we're together.
Especially because I'm getting this nagging feeling that their father is ever-so-slowly becoming more and more absent.
I will NOT have my daughters turn out to be anorexic, meth-head prostitutes because they weren't parented properly. Not MY babies!
*smooches...looking for mommy and daughters activities in the city*
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I'm on a new mission. get on board or move out of the way!
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8 comments:
Damn. I think you're right to be upset with him; a little communication wouldn't have killed anyone. I get the feeling that he's squeezing y'all out, which might be (a) completely wrong on my part and (b) still difficult to manage.
If El Generalissimo can have a misstep while parenting, I can sleep a little easier tonight. However, you're right - we all get tied up in our own stuff and forget to look around at our family we live with.
And I know your kids will not be meth-heads. I'm hoping all of your book royalties will make them trust fund babies.
Hold on there, before you go off the deep end. K is no longer a baby, looking to her mommy to fix all her problems. She's a young lady who you've a great job with. It's time that she starts to solve her own problems.
How old were you when you started pulling away from your mom to start solving your own problems? It's time. Start loosening the reins. She'll come to you when she feels it necessary to involve you.
She's a teenager. Can she live?
Awww Raquel! Since I only have boys, maybe this won't be comforting, but I do have an 18 and 21 year old so here goes.
She may not tell you everything, but rest assured she is listening and TAKING IT ALL IN. What you do and say is noticed. You can't beat yourself up for not being perfect, but you can teach the girls to forgive and move on. I think you have already have (judging from your daughter's response to her father's news). Where do you think she learned how to do that? She watches and listens, so take credit for teaching her not to hit the roof and handle bad news with maturity.
Also, your girls are learning things from you, that you will not find out about until someone else tells you. I am constantly surprised by how much my boys absorbed what they were taught---not by what they show me, but what other people say to me. It makes me proud when I get to hear something wonderful they did from an outsider. It makes me feel like its all worthwhile. Keep your chin up, mommy! You're doing a great job!
*pats sofa* Poor baby, and by that I mean K. You've done a great job with these girls now it's time to let them live a little. She's growing up and this is a part of the becoming independent process, not alway running to mama to fix things. Now leave her alone.
That said we all can stand to disconnect from the Matrix more often so yes spend time with the girls but don't think that means they won't want to sometimes just be kids and talk to their friends. It doesn't. And the only ball dropped this weekend was C and his trifling ass.
*smooths down your hair* If you don't believe me call Patsy she'll help you understand raising girls.
I think as mommy's we are always worried abt our connections to our children. As a matter of fact, we worry abt things they find very trivial in there realm of understanding. I think it's natural for you to be worried, but remember...children are way more resilient than we gove them credit for. We, as parents have had many different experiences and different emotional connections that WE feel things deeper than they can comprehend at times. I've learned that we have to separate our emotions from theirs and understand they learn to cope on a much different level, and that can often times be a great thing.
No worries, "momma"...ur girls will ALWAYS need you and when they get a certain age, they will reach out to you much more. For, now they tend to discuss these things with their peers because they don't trust that we can relate to their feelings (as if we weren't their age before...lol). Just continue to make yourself available to them (as I imagine you always do) and when they run into things their peers can't help them process, they will come straight to you.
Swtstiletto
I can understand how it stung to hear her say that, but the reality is that she needed objectivity ... and you're not it when it comes to her dad. I think it's great she has friends t help her deal with it ... and that she told you that's what she did. By virtue of the things you wrong here ... including that laundry list of things he did to piss you off ... yuh, I'm thinking she knew what she was doing.
But your "being present" thing did strike a nerve here. I'm logging off now.
If I ever have doubts about why I blog, I'll just read over all of these encouraging comments (and the phone calls and BBMs) I received as a result of this post.
Thanks, guys. I love you for it!
...or get cancer like my oldest did and his mom hid it from me...
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