We met through mutual friends.
It started off rather salaciously and scandalous and slowly became more. I fought it, denied it, tried to ignore and reject it, but yeah, I developed feelings for him. Sue me.
So I let go, went with the flow and all that jazz. The L word was dropped (by HIM in fact). Breakfast was made. During a particularly rough point this summer, I freakin CRIED in front of him and I NEVER cry in front of ANYONE. EVER. And he was there to just quietly hold me and just let me and it was good. So good, in fact, that I never blogged about him or our relationship or anything. I didn't want anything to jinx it.
I thought to myself: He's not really anything from my "list" but he's good people and he's good to me and we have similar goals for the future and he was being an awesome cheerleader for The Jaded Empire. Dude, he complimented my writing and meant it. That's an INSTANT win for him.
I in turn was being all domestic and girlfriendy and starting to be okay with that role, that "traditional" role with which modern women aren't supposed to be okay. Not different; still Jaded, but the kind of Jaded that's beginning to act and feel like her grandmother before her, a woman raised in a time where men were men and women held them down.
Then, well, I'm not sure where and when it imploded. A week went by without any communications, and then another followed. When I finally reached out to see what was going on, I got the cold shoulder. It was like a slap in the face. I won't lie and romanticize it all: in the back of my mind there were still a lot of things that made me hold back from him. Things I'd rather not put out on Front Street, but little gnawings that just made me reticent about a full-blown anything. Our quiet little existence was enough for the time being. At least for me.
Then came the slap (not an actual slap; please don't get crunk in the comments). I should be used to it by now, right? Right. But it took me by surprise a bit. He really had me fooled, FOOL being the operative word here.
Things ended in September and I'm now ready to say, "Okay. This happened and it was good and then it wasn't, but that's life and I won't dwell over something I cannot control. He did what he did for whatever reasons he had, and I will just continue to live my life as planned." As in, the walls are back up, moat refilled with vicious piranhas, armed guards in place and heart placed gently back in the vault.
*smooches...battered but not broken*
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I come from good stock; it takes more than that to really break me.
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4 comments:
The year after I graduated college, I stayed on in town to drive buses and gather money for my next step in life. I got in a major accident, my bus being hit by a truck, which left me with a fractured vertebrae and reliant on just about everyone. My "boyfriend" at the time (we were on and off) took care of me to the point of, my second day home and still in a cone of shame, putting me in the tub and helping me get clean. He was so gentle and kind.
He was also the same a-hole who told me I was a habit and a convenience.
My last boyfriend? Ten years. TEN YEARS! And the butthole was so messed in the head, he thought over 200 texts a month and sexy e-mails (yeah, that's right, I knew his password and used it) were his prerogative.
NEVER broken. You're a strong woman and ridiculously awesome and, to toot my own horn, so am I. But I believe it's always good to leave a tiny hole in the walls of the heart because, well, you just never know. Just when you stop looking for love, it'll come and smack you upside the head again. We both need to be open enough to at least give it a chance.
Damn J that was deep.
"the walls are back up, moat refilled with vicious piranhas, armed guards in place and heart placed gently back in the vault"
I feel you on that. I know I'm an amazing person and if I allow myself to open up that man should consider himself lucky. It hurts when something happens and I result in shutting down again. My bestfriend recently told me,
" Amber I've definitely eff'd up when it came to some relationships. Some of these girls were amazing in every bit of the word but I wasn't ready for all that. I'm only 25 so the realization of fully committing to a woman that my mother would love and that could 100% hold me down scares the hell out of me. So I start doing dumb shit to piss her off and I can exit the relationship before it gets too serious."
Idk those words comfort me. There's many times when I think I did something wrong when in reality they weren't ready for something real. I hope that helps some. But like you said, "battered but not broken!"
Wow,it sounded like everything was gud for the most part...too bad things didnt work out,i felt ur happiness in ur words as i read it. That cold shoulder is a bitch,smh...i think he knew u was a hell of a catch;)
Kelly & Amber: I do believe Valarie Solanos said it best- the Y chromosome is a birth defect. How can we expect them to be anything but error-prone? It was my bad for thinking this time would be any different.
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