A Jaded "Mayhem" Commercial Script

ME: So what happened- you okay?

FRIEND: Yea, I called my sis-in-law the nurse. She said only go to the ER if the bleeding is constant. Popped two Motrin. Pain is subsiding. Bleeding is now spotting.

ME: Blood? *faints* <----- why I didn't pursue medicine

FRIEND: This seems to be a case of "Ass torn out the frame"-itis

ME: Is this sex-related? *dead*

FRIEND: Yes. Yes it is. *hangs head*

ME: #YoureDoingItWrong

FRIEND: Obviously. First time we broke the bed. This time we nearly broke the box. I'm guessing we shouldn't fuck each other anymore.

ME: Not without collision insurance.

FRIEND: *motions for waiter* Check please.

*smooches...realizing I have some really freaky friends*
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and for some reason they LOVE sharing their sexual exploits with me :(