So, you're all familiar with my food issues, right? (If not, click here for a summary of it.) Well those issues are harder to fix than a motherfucker! Just when I think I've licked them, BAM! It's PMS Week and I'm plotting ways to break into McDonald's at 3:00AM to make myself a trough of fries. The only reason I haven't executed my most awesome B&E plan is because I'm afraid of going to jail. I'm too pretty for jail. Not even my PMS is strong enough to make me risk my freedom!
But I digress...
When I have these weak moments I get serious bouts of disappointment and depression weighing heavily on my mind. And that leads to dangerous conversations with The Voices: OK, Raquel. You just ate a salami and cheese sandwich at 2AM and that's not good, in particular because you don't eat pork and you're supposed to be weaning off bread and dairy! What's going to happen is this- after your bowels are done punishing you for ingesting all of those nitrites and by-products, you will not be allowed to eat anything but grilled chicken, veggies and salad. That's it! Nothing else for you! YOU'VE BEEN A BAD GIRL AND I HATE YOU I WISH YOU WERE DEAD YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE WHY DO YOU SABOTAGE ALL OF MY EFFORTS I'M DOING THIS FOR US WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!
And then I proceed to make another salami and cheese sandwich, along with some chips and possible a frozen waffle or two. Clearly this is Reason Number One And Only why I should go to bed earlier- if for nothing else (rest? who needs rest? rest is for suckers!) I need to be in bed before 11PM to curb my eating.
The problem here is my emotions are so tied to food, and it's been this way forever, so it's a hard habit to break. I suppose I can, on some level, understand drug addicts. I know that devouring a box of Reese's Pieces a day is killing me slow. But I'm not armed with the mechanism to find an alternate way to appease my anxiety. Not just yet. I'm looking for it, trust me, but it continues to be a struggle.
I suppose the only thing to do at this point is re-train my emotional and physical self to deal with food responsibly: eat only when hungry; have a reasonable portion; stick to fresh, nutritious whole foods. But I've yet to become the kind of person that can dive into a new lifestyle 100% without looking back and sampling the naughty bits. Especially because those naughty bits tend to trigger memories that comfort me.
Then, of course, once I slip my Catholic Guilt acts up and I'm compelled to pray a rosary for my intestines.
My poor, poor intestines. May god have mercy on their soul.
*smooches...dreaming of deep-fried things*
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you know the kind that's cooked in week-old grease? Mmmmm, delicious!
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3 comments:
Man! I sometimes wonder if we really were separated at birth. What kind of salami? I'm quite particular and mine has to be hard, though I'll settle for genoa if I have to. My downfall and PMS assuager? Mac and cheese, Kraft, the entire freaking box.
Have you considered something like Weight Watchers. My sister was on it and I loved that I didn't have to watch her starve herself, that it taught her to manage her food ... not drive herself crazy trying to avoid the food she really wanted. It teaches you how to have the salami and cheese responsibly.
More importantly, they have meetings. You would have the support that you needed, other people to help share the burden and the triumphs.
@kelly- the funny thing is the salami (genoa) is not even for me! I buy it for the girls to make sandwiches after school!
I tried Weight Watchers but fell off because tracking food started to drive me a bit batty. My mom and sister did it and it worked great for them, but all those points and the counting? Yeah, I was going mildly insane(r). LOL
I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and try and fix the emotional/psychological issues in the meantime. Check back with me in a year hahaha!
I totally dig. When she was doing WW, my sister and I were in the same building and doing a lot of our grocery shopping together. She had the points down and was able to guestimate when perusing the shelves.
I got curious and wanted to see how many points I would have versus how many I was eating. Breakfast is important to me and, while I basically eat a bowl of cereal or oatmeal and yogurt, I was shocked to find out that I was eating 2-3 servings of cereal!
After a week, I'd had it. I consider myself a fairly healthy eater ... my friends hate visiting because I never keep noshies/sweets in the house because I'll devour them ... and, when I do fall off the wagon, allow myself a day or two of binging before I pull myself back in. While I'm sure I could do better, I try to cut myself some slack.
Cut yourself some slack. You really have climbed some serious hills in the past few months, and triumphed gloriously. So you eat some crap now and again. If, for the most part, you're exercising and eating healthy, what's a little crap, right?
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