And while I don't mind telling you all about it in blog post after blog post, its a whole other animal to let you see me in the thick of it. Much like a dog that's about to die, I like to just find a quiet uninhabited piece of earth and let the sadness wash over me until it fades away. This weekend, however, an unfortunate soul had to witness it and there was nowhere for me to hide.
I usually like to wait a while before I let that side of me be known, and even then I rarely allow any witnesses to it. But I can't really control when it will hit, you know?
The anxiety that this emotional ambush caused me has no words. I was all "That's it, I fucked up. I'll never hear from this person again. Who wants to deal with a moody bitch?"
And even though I was assured that everything is OK I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, all because I showed my crazy too soon.
I hate when I do that!
*smooches...waiting for it to fade*
---------
I only threw this Tom Waits cover by Sarah McLachlan because it was playing as I wrote this post and all of a sudden I remembered how much I loved it. You should love it, too.
Posts
7 comments:
My friend and I are firm believers in basically vomiting ourselves in front of people and cleaning up the mess later, after those who can't stand it have fled the scene and those willing to deal have stuck around.
Those still around are your true friends. And why hide yourself from them?
When I went through my breakup, I was so scared to show how much I hurt. The dude cheated on me and ripped my heart out so I thought I'd get nothing but venom from people pissed at me for mourning the death of a relationship to that butthole. I was afraid to cry in front of my mom. My own mom!
You know what happened? They all embraced me and my crazy.
Put your crazy out there, lady. There are a lot of us who will stick around, probably so we can share our own stories. I love hearing about this part of you, whenever you're ready to share, because I feel like I have a bit of company on my own journey through nutville.
*Hugs* you have ease the crazy out like toothpaste. Yeah toothpaste lol
Thanks, Kelly. Unfortunately I still have this thing in me that demands some unattainable level of perfection from myself, and when I fail at it I stress out. I'll learn to deal with it eventually.
@dave- you're a fool...toothpaste?? smh
Yeah, I am all for just throwing it all out there and see who picks up the pieces.
Maybe the person in question understands the gray area of Life? And isn't as judgmental as most folks are?
If it helps any - when it comes to you I never think of grey skies and slow singing. Only BK and good laughter.
@irene- that's prob why we're friends; we balance each other's crazy out LOL
@don- thanks
One of the self-help books that I read asked why, if you would never talk to your friends/family the way you do to yourself, would you be so mean to yourself?
The next time you're being so harsh on yourself, think about how you'd soften your terms if you were talking to a friend.
Be kinder to yourself, more understanding. I totally get the unattainable need for perfection as it was a source of my anger and self loathing for WAY too long ... and still can be on bad days. It took a whole lot of rejiggering of my views of myself and is still a work in progress but it has helped provide a new calm in my life.
You're flawed but who isn't? Remember, you're also pretty freaking awesome too. Just ask your friends, family, daughters.
Post a Comment