No, not my ex-husband--don't nobody give a rat's ass about that marriage (which, by the way, is already over!). But rather the ex that launched me into the blogosphere in the first place. The one I dated the minute after I ended my marriage. The one responsible for The Breakup Heard Around the World.
I won't sit here and lie and say I was devastated or anything, but there was a sense of melancholy. I wasn't sure why at first. As I watched it I smiled and laughed and was genuinely moved by the video, but then I got in my feelings.
I don't miss him. I don't want him. And when he contacted me a couple of years ago to "get coffee" I gave my phone a side-eye and brushed him off. I made a conscious choice not to engage in whatever that cup of coffee was going to entail. Not because I was still mad or bitter but because what would have been the point? We weren't great friends or anything. Nothing was lost after we split.
Now, I will always remember that he was the best lay EVER. As in EVER. As in NO ONE I've slept with before or since him has measured up. He has the game on lock. The rest of y'all should take lessons from him. Seriously. But that wasn't enough then and now, when I really couldn't care less about carnal activities, it's definitely not enough. So it's not about him. I wish him well and hope he'll be happy with his wife (and new baby boy...yes, my stalker skills are top level).
It's more about me being in the same place where he left me--literally. Same apartment. Same financial status. Same health issues and fatness. Same attitude problems and same issues with men and sex. Watching his wedding video and knowing who he was and how much he's (seemingly) grown makes me feel stunted and unaccomplished. Like I didn't deserve the pedestal he had initially put me on. Like I don't deserve the praise and accolades a lot of you bestow upon me today. I HAVEN'T REALLY DONE ANYTHING BUT SURVIVED. And maybe that's enough for some, but it makes me feel like a failure at life.
Everything around me changes and me? I'm still here, googling shit I know I shouldn't be googling, and then getting in my feelings when I find it.
*smooches...deciding not to look up any more exes*
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child if I find out that Mr. Baseball has a wife and baby you may have to come over and sedate me...
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6 comments:
That sense of being stuck...I know it so well. It's why I decided to make myself a priority. And you need to do the same thing, starting with those cracked out health issues.
Did you just accuse my body of smoking crack?!?!?! lol
Stop comparing yourself to someone else. The key word in your post is "seemingly" ... he seems to have grown but you don't know that he truly has.
Look closely. Between then and now you HAVE made inroads and I'm sure you'd see that if you didn't let what you think is all bad overshadow what I'm sure is some pretty bitching stuff you've actually accomplished.
Irene has hit the nail on the head! I'm going to leave it at that and find away to take away your google search! *chants* I bind you Jaded so that you can't cause harm to your ego and lower yourself esteem.
This was a damn good read.
Yeah, I recently viewed wedding pics of the best sEX I had ever had and after I thought about how good she was to me, and in bed, I asked God to forgive me for wishing her and her husband the absolute worse...
Just kidding.
"Comparison is an act of terrorism against the self." Iyanla hit the nail on the head. Bash her if you must but even a broken clock is right twice a day.
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