And that is perhaps the hardest sentence I've ever had to write. But my Papi is dying and I'm here, again, in this place where nothing seems right and everything is unfair.
I have not become anything yet. He is leaving me before I can show him what I can become. He is leaving me before I can pay him back for giving me life. Before I can learn to be brave. Before I can learn responsibility. Before I can make it up to him and to Grandma, and I can't stop it. I have no power here.
I am still selfish. I want him here. I do not want to let him go. After him, there will be no other man that truly loves me, unconditionally. I am not ready to live in a world without him. Who am I, without him?
What happens to me on the day there is no one to respond to my pleas for bendiciones with, "Dios te bendiga, mi reina"? Do my blessings end?
I don't want him to hurt, to suffer, but I want him here. With me. So I can say, "I am here. I am yours. Don't leave me. Don't leave me."
Papi is dying and nothing seems right and everything is unfair.
I wish I'd known the last time was going to be the last time. I would have never let go.
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2 comments:
Words can't describe how sorry I am to hear what you're going through. Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
Please know that, while you may not have become everything you wanted to at this point in time, you are so far from having "not become anything." You are a smart, beautiful, hilarious woman who has raised two wonderful daughters. You have already become so much, and you have done it with bravery and aplomb.
Condolences, Jaded.
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