Lessons I've Learned at the Movies

Besides all the countless hours of mindless entertainment that movies provide me, I have also learned so many things about myself and about the world around me. My dwindling attention span and expanding backside was not gotten in vain because of those lessons.

Lessons like Bruce Lee really gets pissed when you make him bleed his own blood. And that jerky made from humans is the best tasting jerky around.

And that when a house tells you to get out...you need to get the fuck out.

Mostly I've gained some insight into human relationships through the movies...I'm not saying it has all been good, but I experienced it just the same. Some of it made me so Jaded you could have stabbed a pregnant Virgin Mary in front of me and I would have said, "oh, excuse me" and stepped right over her bloody corpse without blinking an eye.

Others have left me weeping in a disheveled pile of blankets on the floor in the fetal position. And still others have offered so many nuggets of wisdom that I almost went to the screenwriter's house to personally thank them.

But someone told me that that's called "stalking."

Examples:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Jim Carey (Joel) and Kate Winslet (Clementine) attempt to erase the memory of their passionate-yet-destructive relationship by letting some quack literally erase the memory of the passionate-yet-destructive relationship. But their passion for one another is so deep that they keep finding each other anyway. The lesson I got here was: no matter how much a relationship turns you upside down, shakes you up, and tosses you about, it was a great ride and you wouldn't be "you" without it; you're meant to experience it.

In a scene where they realize the memories are just about erased:

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.

Joel: I know.

Clementine: What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

The Anniversary Party

This beautifully written, directed and portrayed tale of a famous couple's anniversary party, starring Alan Cumming and Jennifer Jason Leigh, was one of the best movies I could have ever discovered in the indie movie section of Poppy's Video Store in Hornell, NY. The couple have just reunited after a long separation and try to mask all their problems with a lavish celebration. One of their (many) issues is that Sally (Leigh) doesn't want children, and Joe (Cumming) does. In order to hold on to her man, Sally decides to move to his native London and give him the babies he desires. But her best friend, played by the LOVELY Phoebe Cates, says in all her infinite wisdom, as a mother of two who gave up HER career to be a "wife": "You can't do yourself in! Kids just rob you of that option!"

Gone With The Wind

This film about the height and fall of the Old South still moves me today, regardless of the racism and shit depicted in it. This movie kicked ass, debate your mom. Scarlett's unrequited love for Ashley. Rhett's unrequited love for Scarlett. And Mammy's unrequited love for white folks. It made me laugh, cry and taught me that chasing a ghost is just that- chasing a ghost. Not something I can grab onto and hold on for dear life. Just a ghost. But a firm grasp of reality (or land...whatever the case may be) is fucking priceless. "It's the only thing that lasts."

West Side Story

If you know me, you know I'm obsessed with Leonard Bernstein, Jerome Robbins, Stephen Sondhein, and their motherfucking brilliant and award-winning love child, West Side Story. What did I learn from it, besides the fact that Hollywood hates minorities to the point of not casting them in their own roles? I learned to be cool. No matter how pissed I get, no matter who's in my face, what's making me mad, I just gotta play it cool. No matter if my boss dropped three new last minute assignments on my desk, or my kids stained my couch, or the person I'm dating keeps pushing me to the point of adding wolfsbane in his drink when he's not looking...I just gotta play it cool.

"Boy, boy, crazy boy,

Get cool, boy!

Got a rocket in your pocket,

Keep coolly cool, boy!

Don't get hot,

'Cause man, you got
Some high times ahead.
Take it slow and Daddy-O,
You can live it up and die in bed!"

My mom used to (still does) lament that if I got a job watching TV or movies I'd be a billionaire. For me, it's enough to have all these little takeaways that I'm sure to remember, even when I forget what a fork is for or what year it is.

And listen, all of these Jaded Classics might be banned soon under the new Musk Dictatorship WHO KNOWS, so I make no apologies for the amount of entertainment I decide to shield myself with. The shelves of books I hide behind. The 1000th stream, a todo volumen, of Bad Bunny's complete DeBÍ TiRAR MáS FOToS album. "Art can save you, but entertainment will never be your salvation,"* and that's fine, I'll accept it.

Love & Balls,

Jaded

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i've paid enough of petty dues

i've heard enough of shitty news

*Quote: Comedian Josh Johnson